Nabilah

2012-02-11T06:56:00.000+08:00

Last night, barely ten hours ago, I almost lost my life. It was so close, but I must have missed it by a fraction of a second because Allah's decree meant that that was not my time to go. I was shaken. I pray that I am awakened.

I crossed the road when the green man lit. A bus turning the corner from my left must have not seen me because it approached me without slowing down until somewhere between one and one half an arms length away when I had to run to save my life. I turned around and raised both my hands as if to say "DIDN'T YOU SEE ME!?" [Note: I am barely 5''2 and I was dressed in a black abaya because I was on my way home from a lecture, but my hijab was bright]. The most interesting fact is that, even then, the driver did not see me. Even after I escaped being hit by his bus, he didn't see me. He kept going at that speed. Which got me thinking, that I could have been hit, and run over by huge tyres of that bus and other vehicles and perhaps nobody would notice until my body was unrecognizable for my family.

Na'uthubillah, may Allah protect us from that.

I called my mother, and for the first time in a long time, I let myself cry. I let my cold hard heart break.

I thought a lot. Right now, I am afraid of being alone in my grave without anybody to defend me. Having to account for my sins that I keep repeating even after repenting. The Fajrs and Isha, prayers at dawn and night time, that I miss because I just wish to feel comfort and sleep. My hypocrisy. If I had died that night, I would have died without performing my Isha.

However, death should be a beautiful thing that we all anticipate. It is our return to our Creator. It is not the end of existence. It gives us hope to be in a better place, where I imagine, rivers flow endlessly and flowers bloom. I was granted the blessing of seeing God's greatness in the Himalayas, and I cannot consume or imagine the magnitude of Paradise. There will be no sadness, no poverty. I want to be ready and happy to leave this temporary world. I want death to be calm and sweet. Painful, yes, but for the better.

To those reading this, who do not believe. I vow, I bear witness that there IS a God and He is One. No matter who we THINK we worship, there is only one God. And no matter what we believe, we must always pray that we are guided to the path of truth, even if we believe we are on the right path. Because we are only human. I know for a fact that God exists. There is a God who plans each event. If you stop, breathe and reach within a deserted area of your soul, you will realise that there must be a God because there are so many miracles. THINK. SEEK. There must be a God that made the stars that shine and lead us in our journeys (I have been told that the GPS that we depend on, depend on stars. Do find out). I understand it, and I pray that I understand with even more and more depth.

I know that everything happens for a reason. This was a close shave, a reminder for me. To wake me up. To repent. To be good. To remember. As with everything, Alhamdulillah, praise be to Allah. Alhamdulillah because I am safe. Alhamdulillah because I pray this happened for the better. Alhamdulillah. Allahu Akbar, God is great.

2012-02-08T09:32:00.000+08:00

BUBBLE

So, in the midst of one of our soulful talks full of depth, my cousin Muna told me that I actually "live in a bubble". I didn't quite understand and found her statement rather absurd. How could anyone suggest that I was "sheltered" and "naive" when I had been making my own life decisions since I was a child? But as with everything, I take it with a pinch of salt and sprinkle some sugar, and vow to think about it.

In many ways we were raised "wild" by local standards. We rode the Sultan's "reject" horses when we were younger. My brothers had been driving with manual gears since they were 10. I drove way before I got my license. Our family roadtrips used to consist of independent and impromptu cave expeditions and diving into waterfalls. I was also independent. By 13, because our domestic helper quit (my fault), I made my own food. I could fall and get back up. I don't complain about things. I'm a survivor. Or so I thought.

My parents had always been traveling since I was a child. I was 3 or 4 when my parents kept going to the Middle East a whole lot. Either my gramps would come over and keep an eye on my siblings and I or we would be sent to our aunts.

* Sideneote: I remember once, I was staying over at my aunts, I must have been about 3. My parents were supposed to pick me up and I had run out of diapers for the night. My cousin who was 8 then, stuffed lots of paper and tissue in my undies as an alternative for diapers. Pretty innovative I must say. You can only imagine what my mom thought when she changed me only to see crushed paper like apples falling off a tree.

ANYWAY, back to the bubble.

I've been reflecting on Muna's statements and somehow its proving to be true. I have some kind of frail protective layer shielding me from something. Be it my lack of identity/self-esteem/certainty.

#1 Literally 3 minutes ago, I was on the phone with the Saudi embassy regarding my Visa status and my bubble almost popped.

Man (in thick as hummus lughat el 3arabiy): What is the broblem? If there is no broblem? Who is yur famili? You sound veri young.

The way he said it was rather patronizing, like, little girl stop prank calling the Royal Saudi Embassy, now run along and prank call McDelivery.

Me: No I'm not young I'm 20 years old.

How foolish of me.

2012-02-05T00:53:00.000+08:00

HEALING

I am anticipating the return of my ankle's vivacity so that I can, once again, run the miles and be free. To kick a ball and attempt shots (after a year of not playing soccer). I will let you know once I get there.

2012-02-02T22:50:00.000+08:00

Our lives and deaths were all written. We have no clue when our last breath will be. May Allah forgive me for my sins, and you for yours inshallah.

We need to be better people.

2012-02-01T23:15:00.000+08:00

I wish to marry someone who will:

1) Lead the family in Sallat from Fajr to Isha.

2) Hike and bask in the heavenliness of Himaliya.

3) Backpack with me through Morocco and Spain.

4) Allow me to name our children:

Gaza
Rafah
Nahla
Aadny
Ranea

5) Share my love for classic Volkswagen Beetles and Hippie vans.

6) Raise our children to be free and have adventures, wild and barefoot.

7) Teach us Math and Science and the workings of the Universe and God.

8) Build our eco-friendly farm house by a pebbly stream.

9) Teach our children to drive old cars with gears, four wheel drives and ride horses.

10) Share our books since childhood and through adolescence and build a library for our children.
11) Write poetry and quote Rumi.

12) Look good and not try.
13) Pick me flowers.
14) Love.

2012-02-01T23:08:00.000+08:00

ALEA saw the ring on my finger.

Alea: Khala, you married?

I smile.

Alea: Khala, you married? Who you married? Boy or Girl?

I love Alea.

2012-01-27T10:18:00.000+08:00

ADVENTURE

As I elevate my lonesome leg, in the hopes of curing a busted ankle, I ponder about the magnificently magical life of endless adventures that I am missing. I realise that I've always been in constant need of that adrenaline rush from performing Britney Spear's "Oops I did it again" dance routine at 5 years old to prank calling through my adolescence to running on my last breath and speeding. Okay, I lied. not speeding because where I am from, dire consequences entail.

Today, I crave nature, travel, adventure and extreme sports.

And by extreme sports I don't mean Paintball

I'm talking

2012-01-20T12:01:00.000+08:00

THE HIMALAYAS

The locals say Himaliya. As if Himaliya were a girl, a lonesome daughter of nature, with overwhelming beauty and superiority yet preserved in humility. Bare. As if Himaliya were a lover who promised to wait. Remained as she is, through Time. Perhaps the cold winds that made travellers shiver were her sighs of longing.

The mountains took my breath away. I could only imagine what heaven would be like. Snow-capped mountains postured majestically, transparent water of natural springs in its serenity and completeness, grey pebbles that stood through time amidst the beauty of Himaliya.

I have:
1) Fallen off my horse on the Himalayan Mountains
2) Dropped my scarf into River Beas
3) Been threatened by drunk men in Manali
4) Gone skiing in Rohtang Pass.

Till I see you again Himaliya.

2012-01-17T00:45:00.000+08:00

Habibi.

“Where’d you go?

I miss you so.

Seems like it’s been forever,

that you’ve been gone.”

Don’t come back home, habibi. I’m on my way.

There’s something familiar about the way your honest lips part into a smile. I’ve seen it at nightfall in my girlhood dreams. More than once. Amidst the darkness of one adolescent dream, the door opens and you enter like a hero, with the sun as your companion. Even in those dreams, your eyes resemble a fox’s; an abstracted hue of hazel and gray abundantly framed with untamed lashes. I will never forget.

Wait for me, habibi. I’m on my way.

As I sit in solitude in this empty house, I think of what our future may be. It all depends on what happens hitherto the moment the green light from above flashes for our paths to cross again. It’s all written, habibi. We just don’t know yet.

Here I am, at 19, studying my soul away, 7000 miles away from where you are doing the same. You rise when I begin to drift into another world. My eyes flutter open when you are sleeping like a baby. I pray that with every heartbeat, those miles evaporate a little at a time, such that by the time we are ready, I’ll be right next to you, habibi.

We’ll fall in love again. We’ll wed on a silent autumn morning in the the garden, witnessed by every element that embellishes nature. Our families will say with a smile, “It was always meant to be.”

Once again, our gaze will meet. Upon those eyes, calm and ancient like the river Nile, images flow back to the days where you were in my dreams each time my eyes fell shut.

2011-12-27T23:02:00.001+08:00

Past. Present. Future.

Hello there.

As the year draws to an end- as my childhood draws to an end- I prepare to make positive changes to my life, in an ultimate pursuit of fulfillment. Certainly all that live must die, and I want to achieve wholesomeness before I go. Inshallah.

1) RUN BABY RUN
I long to feel the glory of being fit once again, the triumph of wearing jeans that fit like a glove, the comfort in knowing that you can plank like the boys do, the high of running, chasing your final breath and knowing that you've trained so hard that you could out-run anybody on that track if you tried, the lightness of being when all that pent up anger is released when you run, the strength of knowing that each step, each heartbeat, each breath, makes you better. Running. Waking up before the rest of the world, going wherever your legs take you and returning a changed person. Faith. Strength.

2) "The best among you is the one who is useful for his family." - Prophet Muhammad,
صلى الله عليه وسلم‎, may peace and blessings be upon him.
Sometimes we have grand aspirations to heal the world. Little do we realise that there are things to be fixed around us, within our own radius. This is where I want to begin. The little ones need to be taught how to read. The tweens need help with Math. The teens deserve positive influence and a role model. I want to be there for them.

3) Nothing is permanent.
I have come to a point in life where people generally really don't matter that much. Inshallah I am perfectly fine that people come and go. I enjoy spending time with myself. I am not very interested in being in the center of things and people. I don't need to be popular anymore. I don't seek approval. Nonetheless, this is both good and bad because while I am largely emotionally self-sufficient Alhamdulillah, I become a little cold and less affectionate, if you may. But then again, affection should never be free because then it becomes rather excessive and hypocritical. I've decided that it is best to surround myself with beings that enrich my soul, and support my growth. I do not feel guilty about avoiding people and relationships that are toxic.

2011-12-13T07:56:00.002+08:00

Something's Not Right

So, it's over. And I will remember it as the loneliest of times. At this point though, I don't feel a thing. And that is killing me not-so softly. Something's not right. Certainly. I haven't written in quite a bit, so I might have lost some sense of it. I feel. Ok, now I'm sure.

I wish I could be writing about positive, exciting, ecstatic things: Rainbows, Butterflies, Lamborghinis, Babies and Waterfalls, but I won't pretend. Because this writing is for none of you. I don't expect it to be read but I know it might. So while I won't pretend my life is perfect and attempt to impress, I must admit that this is how I wish to portray my being, because I believe that every writing presumes readership, in one way or another.

Perhaps I need to detox. In every sense of the word. For the past several months, I have lived my life by my rules. "Hold your own, Know your name, And go your own way" as James Morrison puts it. Those that no longer fit into my world, or I in theirs, have been cleared away by nature's will in the same manner which those that live will certainly die and be forgotten. For that, I have no regrets. We are only travellers in this world. I am only passing through. I'm not staying. I do, nonetheless, want to be good, and leave an impact on the lives of others. I want to struggle and be the best there is. I want to run till I can no longer breathe.

Perhaps at this point, I'm rambling. Because my thoughts are not in neat boxes stored on neat shelves, aligned to immaculate perfection. I need to think. And in order to think, I need to write. One thing at a time. I'll change this mood soon enough.

Few of the things I need to do:
1) Clean up my room
2) Run !!!
3) Make some phone calls
4) Resume my scrapbook project (will offer a sneak peek when it's ready inshallah)
5) Teach Alea to read and write
6) Read the books I own
7) Resume Arabic class
8) Book an appointment with the dentist to extract wisdom TEETH!
9) The list goes on

2011-03-06T21:01:00.000+08:00

HIATUS.

2011-03-03T12:54:00.000+08:00

Hypocrisy is the state of pretending to have beliefes, opinions, virtues, feelings, qualities, or standards that one does not actually have. Hypocrisy involves the deception of others and is thus a kind of lie.
-Wikipedia

To me hypocrisy commonly means having all the courage in the world to speak things behind a person's back that one would never utter in the presence of the other person.

Only being empowered with a voice when one behind the screen. That is Hypocrisy and Cowardice. These two go hand in hand.

Speaking and behaving a certain way online in order to put up a facade.

Complimenting other people excessively in their presence is hypocritical and insincere.

Accusing others of hypocrisy is also hypocritical.

Speaking critically of hypocrisy is also hypocritical.

Thinking of another person when you speak critically of hypocrisy is hypocritical.

The person writing this is a hypocrite.

2011-02-23T21:50:00.000+08:00

This post never fails to crack me up.

And this phenomenon of recurring dreams of the same person, after being on a 4-year hiatus (I was 15 when I first had them), resumed yesterday:

We were at some kind of a train station, in an unknown nation.
You sprained your ankle, oh pickle.
I took your right shoe.
And out of the blue
the place fills up and the crowd
separates us and I wake up and wonder "what on earth was that about?".

"oh baby baby" HAHA!

2011-02-22T13:46:00.001+08:00

LOVE

People enter our lives and few of them genuinely leave their mark. Thus far, I've said numerous goodbyes. Some of them mindless, while others like a dagger through the heart, leaving a permanent scar.

Through it all, at 19, I have embraced the fact that my life is my universe and my soul is largely independent. I'm supposed to brave through every turbulence with nothing but absolute faith in God. At the very end of the day, at the deepest core of my being, nothing else matters.

However, we are in the reality of the moment. While Faith is indeed a reality, Love is its prerequisite. He who has does not love has no faith. Through my teenage years, if there was one issue I'd been struggling with for as long as I can remember, it is Love and therefore Faith. I struggled understanding it, feeling it, owning it and giving it. Till today, I am still learning through countless pit-stops. I am in pursuit of refuelling Faith through Love.

A few days back, at Yoga with a friend, we had our eyes closed and we were sitting upright, cross-legged on thin blue yoga mats. The instructor was guiding us through breathing exercises and she said: "Breathe Love." In an almost involuntary response to that, I could feel myself soften: my breathing felt delicate and my movements became gentle. I then began to think that perhaps love is gentle. And I have never been gentle.

[The believing men and women are protecting friends of one another. They enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong.] (Quran 9:71)

At the same time, a dear friend and I have been trying to understand what it means to love for the sake of Allah, which to me, represents the purest and sincerest and therefore most desirable way to love. Using the term loosely, many of us "love" another person to feed our own desperation to be loved perhaps by that particular person for various reasons ranging from seeking to fill a void to attempting to fulfill our carnal desires. Which is, of course, selfish and stems from our own inadequacies as a person. I think that in order to truly be able to grasp this concept of genuine emotion, we each need to find peace within ourselves, such that we are, as far as possible, self-sufficient. Only when we do not have any vested interest can we sincerely extend this love to others.

To me loving for the sake of Allah means: (this list is non exhaustive)
1) keeping others in your prayers
2) wishing upon others what you wish upon yourself
3) seizing every opportunity to help others

The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “A Muslim has six rights over another Muslim.”
1) When you meet him, greet him with salaam (Muslim's salutation meaning ‘peace’);
2)when he invites you, accept his invitation;
3) when he seeks your advice, advise him;
4) when he sneezes and then praises Allah, invoke Allah’s mercy upon him;
5)when he falls ill, visit him;
6) when he dies, follow his funeral

If you want to know your place in a brother's heart, know his place in your heart.

I've always treasured genuine friendship because I know that it is a rare commodity. However, my fatal flaw would be my cynicism which is really a defense mechanism against betrayal. Recently, I've learnt to let this go. Because there are more important things than judging and holding insignificant grudges. Al hamdulillah, praise be to God, I have been blessed with friends who have gone through life and back with me and whom I will cherish for life Inshallah.

The human soul is conscripted.

I am not that skeptical. I still believe that there is a soul out there for each one of us to love and desire. A soul that is like the other missing puzzle piece. Someone that we've waited all eternity to meet. Someone whom you'll perhaps raise a family with. Someone you've only seen in your dreams. You may have crossed paths with this soul on hundreds of occasions, on campus, on the subway, at the airport, but never really noticed. We don't have to go out of our way in search for this other half because if something is written for you by Allah's decree it will find you.

What hit you could not have missed you. What missed you could not have hit you.

"There's nowhere I'd rather be, and there's no one I'd rather be with, but right here right now with you."

Now we've all heard these words before. I don't believe in brave yet empty oaths. I don't need it and neither do you. I think, often times, sincerity does not need to be articulated. It just is. If you love someone for the sake of Allah, you know it and Allah knows it. If you are truly sincere, that is all that matters.

However, yes, when it comes to practicality, like in marriages, I believe that vows have to be articulated because one will be held accountable for the commitment one makes. These vows are not a tool for appeasement or flattery but an oath to a belief and a commitment.

2011-02-22T07:41:00.000+08:00

For a significantly large part of my youth now, I have been somewhat of a hippie. Well, minus marijuana and the colourful dresses, add a library of books, divide by a handful of depression at 13, 14, and 18. My soul is free.
I like flowers, bare feet, dresses, boys with unruly hair, and unruly hair in general.

Back in junior college I would walk around campus barefoot, before/after soccer training, or whenever I felt like it. I would do grand jeté(s) EVERYWHERE, on the field, in the hallways, okay but NEVER in the canteen. That's where I draw the line bro. Coz you gotta respect the canteen man.

By the way, a grand jeté is like a split in the air that ballerinas do more gracefully.

Each time, my dancer friends would ask, "Why didn't you join the Dance Club?"
And my answer would always be "NAHH, the dance studio ain't got no air-cond."
Which would evoke several responses:
a) a wave of laughter
b) a smack
c) all of the above

And then Coach would blow his whistle because the water-break is over, and I would have to snap out of my daydream: stop spying on the dancers and coveting their glamourous lives, and run back to the field. Perhaps do a grand jeté along the way.

In case you hadn't caught the punch line: I played SOCCER. On the SCORCHING hot, NON-AIRCONDITIONED, (amazing) synthetic soccer FIELD. At least 5 times a week including Saturdays.

Well, the truth of the matter is, I'm not a very good dancer. Sure, I've performed bellydance routines in my grandaunt's charity functions. And that, by the way, was part of my other secret life, until my teammate Ain's sister happened to attend the function which was not even in Singapore. It was in Malaysia. However, back to the point, I am almost dyslexic when it comes to dance. I cannot remember choreography, I just get lost in my own world. This, my cousin Shahira would know because she's always had my back each time we're on stage and I'm dancing a minute longer than I should. HAHA. I've got several videos, the most embarrassing one would be the one in 2006 I think. I was 14.

So yeah, bellydancing, for me at least, doesn't count as a talent and it doesn't make me a dancer because like the famous saying goes: every Arab girl shimmies before she learns to walk. HAHA.

Speaking of, my cousin, my sister and I have yet to practice our routine for Salwa's henna night. We've only had, what, half a practice? HAHA. Not to worry! It's all good.

P.S, sorry for the short post. And also, I should post more of my own images. I apologise, I'm on my sister's spare Mac coz my desktop is frail. I'll be back!

Ma3asalama!

2011-02-19T22:43:00.000+08:00

1) Here's a quickie.

2) Al hamdulillah, it's 10.42pm in Singapore and I just got back from a KHAMAZING run with my cousin. As usual, each time after running, I feel like I'm on top of the world.

3) I suffer from Flatulencia a.k.a Fartitis - disease where the body expels an apocalyptic mixture of gases via the rectum every 3 minutes.

4) My illness peaks when I run. I often pray that:
a) there is nobody behind
b) since I cannot hear anything (coz I am listening to T-Pain), others cannot hear it either

5) I want to appreciate the people around me.

2011-02-11T13:48:00.000+08:00

MENopause
MENstrual cramps
MENtal illness
They all start with MEN.

I remember reading this quote on the backpack of a senior when I was a freshman back in TKG. Admiring her bold attitude, I might have even given her a patriotic salute behind her back while boarding the bus. You've got to understand that being in an all-girls school back then, belittling boys gave us instant adrenaline rush.

MORIBUS MODESTUS
We were proud to be "young women" in a respectable institution with a notable history and alumni, where we had hardly any inhibitions at all. We were confident and eloquent. We were fun and happy, naughty but decent. I was hideous, it was just too perfect. On our birthdays, my friends and I would come to class soaking wet, drenched in coke, sprite, spit, you name it. Back then, they allowed us to be kids.

ONCE A TKGIAN, ALWAYS A TKGIAN
More than a dozen times, I've guessed correctly that someone I'd just met, is a TKGian. When my trainer was introducing herself, there was a voice in my head that said TKGS TKGS TKGS TKGS. This voice did not stop until she finally mentioned that she studied at TKGS. It was then that I went WOOOOOOOOOOP! out loud. I couldn't help it. My trainer laughed and said: Moribus Modestus! (the TKG motto which ironically means DEMURE and Resolute in Latin).
When I left, she hugged me and told me to "go on out there and make an impact on the world." We share a common belief that we are indeed destined for greatness.

THE BEGINNING
I remember the first time I stepped onto TKG grounds and I was in absolute awe as one would be if one were from an impoverished land, being granted an Ivy League education. It felt like a dream come true. The first day of school, Mama had sent me. I knew no one at all. I came alone but I left with more than I could ever imagine. Friends and memories that would last a lifetime.

2011-02-01T20:37:00.000+08:00

1) Little girls who never stop talking
2) Vast, uninterrupted fields of nature on a breezy morning
3) Being lost in a book, as the whole world passes you by
4) Mafia/Adventurer types
5) Tiny and colorful sweaters you knit for kids you haven't got. Yet.
6) Jeans and T-shirt kinda guy
7) Having conversations with strangers
8) Driving one of your father's cars with permission but without a license each time you come over.
9) Cream-colored Vespa
10) Living on your family farm
11) Hijab
12) Making movies
13) Photographs of the past
14) Things from the past
15) Ordering Starbucks in Arabic
16) Leather jackets
17) Midnight blue Lamborghini
18) Wedding gowns

2011-01-13T08:59:00.000+08:00

LIFE.

I see a man brimming with youth. He takes a shot with every ounce of strength, his legs do magic. Impeccable physique. He is enveloped in perfection and humble superiority. And yet I know that he too is broken inside.

There has to be something greater than this in life. Something greater than chasing every temporary high. Something greater than extreme depression on the second week of every month. Something greater than living in the past, being broken, and running an entire marathon only to find ourselves back at square one.

Have you ever wanted something so bad, it's almost as if you'd die for it. Perhaps a year ago, I could say that I loved one or two things, and one of which was soccer. The year 2010, I had a purpose, I had a goal to fulfill. I belonged somewhere. I was ready to outdo myself. I put my heart and soul into it, though I know that it wasn't a talent I was born with.

However, at this point, as ignorant as this may sound, I don't know if I love anything at all. Then what is truly the reason for my existence?

"but surely you and everybody have a notion that there is or should be an existence of yours beyond you. What were the use of my creation, if I were entirely contained here?"
Catherine Earnshaw (Wuthering Heights, Chapter IX)

I once, in a moment of desperation, being engulfed in confusion, googled: The purpose of life.

I think it was Wikipedia that answered that in Islam, the purpose of creation is to worship the Creator. It was then that I knew for a fact that I was lost. Because I knew not much of God or even myself. I've been in pursuit of this truth, amidst a soul in ruins, building it back up a thin layer at a time. It feels like crying into a well to fill it up. Meaning, I'm far from where I aim to be.

I guess that's the beauty of this life. Nothing is real, everything is a temporary. Life is but a dream. We can only pursue happiness but never truly own it. Our eyes see and desire what we cannot fully embrace. Perhaps we already know that.

"The beauty of the world will not last for the affluent,
The harshness of this world is not a fatal blow,
For this one and for that one is a period that will finish,
And what each has undergone will be the dream of a dreamer"
- Arab poet.

Life is but a dream. A dream that we will all have to account for when we rise. Thus, I want to make the best of it

I pledge

1) To live every second of the remaining time I have to the best of my ability, to be the best person I can be.
2) To read the Qur'an, the Bible, and all the hundreds of books I own, and all the books in the library, in pursuit of knowledge while my vision is in order.
3) To go everywhere my legs can take me in pursuit of truth.

2011-01-03T23:24:00.000+08:00

James Morrison says "hold your own know your name and go your own way"
Because what I was yesterday
is different from Who I am today
is different from How I will be tomorrow.
Because the sorrow
that defined my hollow
heart as I swallow
the tears that follow
words
I heard
that hurt
are all gone.
Because "Yesterday and the actors of yesterday are all gone."
They are gone.
The moment is gone.
The pain is gone.
The friendship is gone.
The day is gone.
The night will be gone.
Because I believe God is One.
And I don't know what it is I truly want.

By Sharifah Nabilah

2011-01-03T22:21:00.000+08:00

1) CHILDREN
ALEA

I used to think that it was a known fact, documented in the Universal Book of Known Facts (don't google it, I'm lying) that I, Sharifah Nabilah, was good children. I could make my little cousins and nieces run to the door and hug my thighs (because that's how tall they are) whenever I pop in.

We would play Ring Around the Roses till we were dizzy, and London Bridge, although it was almost impossible for my to squeeze under the bridge of Alea and Aufa. And when it is time to leave, we would do a group hug, numerous high-5s and kids screaming "BYE KHALA NAB" or "BYE KAKAK NABILAH " and my cousin Shahira would comment mock-begrudgingly that I was like a "celebrity" among the children. And I would laugh it off, pretending to be modest, flipping my hair, thinking to myself "damn, girl, you're good."

Ladies, and Gentlemen, today, I realise that actually SUCK. Today at the kindergarten, children were screaming, crying and vommitting and I was crying on the inside, battling INEXPERIENCE and PMS. Today I have fallen but Tomorrow, I will get back up twice as tough! (CHEH FEELING WARRIOR)

2) BODY
I HAVEN'T BEEN RUNNING. I HAVE BEEN EATING.

3) PLANS
I have grand plans but a less-than-grand pocket. Therefore I am doing what I can to save up for (only the tip of the iceberg):

a) An awesome Camcorder.
b) Gaia's wedding in Brunei.
c) Flying solo to Egypt in August.

4) POETRY
I'm waiting for an approval from the Arab Network to recite my poetry at the charity dinner for Yemen at the end of January. Inshallah.

2010-12-16T22:16:00.000+08:00

RUNNING

Running makes me feel KHAMAZING. I loved sprinting even though I consider myself the weakest sprinter in my team. From the burst of energy when the whistle is blown, to pushing with every ounce of strength to beat the person next to me, to holding my breath and outdoing myself. I love running because it strengthens your mind and body. Something I read in La Tahzan said that our threshold is proportioned according to our aims. The example given was of a 10km runner who would not be daunted by the 2km mark as opposed to a 3km runner who would probably be mentally tired by then. Thus, running could perhaps be a direct metaphor for life:

Endure the pain
Take in the beauty of everything around you
Beware of tripping on insignificant potholes
You'll reap tremendous benefits (i.e exhilirating joy and improved physical fitness)

I used to dread running back then when I struggled with my life to even complete 2.4km. Now, it's a part of my life and I intend to keep it that way for as long as I have two legs.

Initially I'd tailored a meticulous 3-month fitness plan starting December 2010 which entailed running 5 times a week with increasing intensity each week until I reached the target of running 10km almost effortlessly. However circumstances changed and the last I ran was 5km 2 weeks ago. The last I ate... well, there's no end to that. HAHA.

SIGH.

I.NEED.TO.START.RUNNING.AGAIN.

Damn, she's fit.

So, yet again, I've altered the plan to fit the traffic of my current life. I aim to run twice on weekdays, 3km each and on weekends 5 km each. I pray I will be strong, because starting next week my job attachment at the kindergarten is 8am to 6pm daily. Meanwhile, I'll give this routine a shot for next week which for me starts this weekend.

Saturday Run 5km
Sunday Run 5km
Monday Fast
Tuesday Run 3km
Wednesday Run 3km
Thursday Fast
Friday Rest
Saturday Run5km
Sunday Run 5km

God Be With Me!

2010-12-12T19:24:00.000+08:00

CHANGE.

There are people you feel.
Then there are people you look past without even realising.
I'll say its nature and perhaps it is that way for a greater reason.

But why do we resist?
We struggle to rearrange our feelings to fit a label pre-established by others.
Why do we pawn something we have for another we desire?
Why do words expire?
Why do we betray?
Why does it hurt?
Why do things happen when they happen, where they happen, and the way they happen?

I've begun to embrace that EVERYTHING IS FOR A GREATER REASON.
In pursuit of peace and myself, I've removed myself from the chaos of this world, taking one thing at a time. I'm going about my life at my own pace. I cannot deny that there is melancholy in the air that surrounds me. I grief. Each morning on the subway, I read a book that was made for me. It says, La Tahzan -Don't Be Sad. Because "Yesterday and the actors of yesterday are all gone."

I cannot say if the person I am today is the person I was a week ago. Something has changed. And perhaps Change is a God-sent cure for Pain.

Of the values I wish to emulate are:

1) Humility
Recently, at dinner with the family, a beggar approached us for food. I looked at him and questioned the difference between him and I. I wasn't any better a person than he was. I cannot say that I have rightfully earned everything I possess. On top that, I was in no position to say that he deserved to be enveloped in poverty. I then came to the conclusion that the circumstances we find ourselves in are upon God's will. It is God's will, and not my right to be healthy and have a roof above my head. Therefore I have no reason to be proud, and I have every reason to be humble because like Dido says: Nothing I have is truly mine. I want to be assured that who I am is not founded upon what I have, and that if I were to lose everything, I would not lose myself.

And if God hadn't willed it, I wouldn't have felt the heart-wrenching sorrow of goodbye. Therefore it is only right to put my trust in Divinity and ride with the flow of things decreed upon me.

{Quran 2:117} To Him is due the primal origin of the heavens and the earth: when He decrees a matter, He says to it: "Be" and it is.

2) Gentleness
There is a persistent desire from within to be in harmony with nature. I want to be at peace with the elements that surround my being. I've always believed that the formula to excellence is Rhythm. Rhythm which I may not have been born with. Rhythm that I seek in my everyday such that I am in sync with the flow of the wind and the sound of sunshine. There is Rhythm to everything:
~Soccer is like a dance, the choreography is yours in the way you move, each time the ball is attached to your foot.
~Life is poetry, there's beauty at every turn, even if the events don't rhyme.

You have to be gentle enough to listen to the unheard voices of nature, and hear the tune of life, and glide along.

3) Faith
Calamity tests our faith because it is times of hardship that reveal our true nature. We often lament and forget that everything happens for a greater reason and all we have to do is brave through this pain, with the knowledge that God is with us. This is the storm before the calm. If God wills it I will rise above this cloud of grief, Inshallah. Amidst everything, through pain, I am in pursuit of peace. I need meaning in the life that I have neglected.

I need to discover God in order to discover myself because the ultimate basis of creation is to worship the Creator and I am merely a slave of Allah. The nature of humanity, I realize, is to be enslaved. As uncomfortable as we are with this connotation of weakness, we often don't realise that we are enslaved to men, fashion, the media, politics, money, society, and expecctations. Thus, there is more dignity and empowerment in being a slave to Divinity.

2010-11-03T22:33:00.000+08:00

I am overcome with exhilarating joy that radically momentarily masks a deeper sense of sorrow from things that I haven't addressed. The endorphins from a hardcore workout a few hours back urges me to tackle the bull by its horns, almost literally. If my problems were a monstrous villain, I could beat the, pardon me, crap out of him and make him apologise and repent and turn him into a saint.

But then just as these thoughts bulldozed through my mind, and I imagined a verbal penalty shootout against the issues I have chucked aside, a quote flashed on the screen and said: KEEP YOUR WORDS SOFT AND TENDER BECAUSE TOMORROW YOU MAY HAVE TO EAT THEM. Funny how life's warnings manifest. Funnier how I feel like a rebel now and have no ounce of will to abide.

Things are changing and I find myself at a place not very pleasant. I feel like I've lost myself, and I feel like I've nowhere to go. No one to go to. I belonged somewhere for a bit, but then things changed and now I'm alien. Maybe it's not them it's me. I think people used to like me because I was pretty funny and I didn't mind the way people were. Many people came up to me and sprinkled little bits of joy and I'd like to think I lightened their mood as well. Now its just me, one-woman army, against the pains in my own world.

Is this a cry for help? Perhaps not my pride would say. Maybe my pride is right. I broke myself, I'll fix myself, with the help of every element that has conspired for my wellbeing. Thank God for everything. Even in the darkest of times, theres definitely happiness to be found.

Who am I, what am I doing here? Questions unanswered. I'll be honest. At 18, I think I learnt to love without agenda but perhaps with hope. Tremendous hope of having a cushion to land on for the numerous times I fall. Thanking God each time love was there when I needed but never asked. Me knowing I'd drop many things for love. Knowing that love didn't need a brand, because I wasn't insecure about the truth in what I felt.

Love is permanent, you know. I don't believe in what everyone says. You don't fall out of it. You certainly do not fall into it either. It just is. It's nature. And it doesn't need to head anywhere, because in many ways it defies time and space. I don't know if I'm making sense to you, but love is just love, it has no prerequisite, expiry date, expectation, definition, or boundary. Neither is it homogenous. We can relate but we can't feel the exact same love.

Did you say it?

I love you.

I don't ever want to live without you. You changed my life.

Did you say it?

Make a plan. Set a goal. Work toward it.

But every now and then, look around, drink it in.

Coz it might all be gone tomorrow.

Sometimes I think people deserve to know you love them. I've never been a big fan of verbal affection. I don't know how to call a sweetheart, "sweetheart", I don't know how to say "I love you", even when I love you. I say be honest but I don't know to say "listen, it's not okay" when I want you to listen and know that I'm not okay. But maybe, I have to pause and breathe and take it all in and speak what I feel. Practice what I preach. Love whom I love, love what I choose to do.

I had a talk with my tutor the other day, and realised that we are all only human. I've disappointed my tutors numerous times, not with incapacity but with a lost soul. A lost soul but not a lost cause. A waste of such potential they often say. I won't go to waste. I understand difficult for them to allow themselves to believe I can turn things around Inshallah because human nature dictates that great hope may lead to greater disappointment. But I refuse to be human.

Well thats it. I had to write to release a little pent up frustration. I'll see where life takes me. Time will tell what fate has written and sealed. I'll be woman enough to brave through these turbulent times. God be with me.

2010-08-26T20:11:00.000+08:00

Have you ever felt so absolutely certain that something is yours to own and feel? You come on with a clear purpose. No doubt. No Fear. Just certainty. Fire.

At this point, what triggers hair-raising adrenaline is the image of Romina Orellana's game-face, full of fire. Jersey #14 of Chile possesses such a strong presence on the pitch. Distinctive. You cannot miss her. Like many players, she's strong and skillful, but unlike others she's Fearless.

The first time I watched her play live was in the Youth Olympics semis against Turkey at Jalan Besar and I was inspired. I watch over and over again the reruns of the concluding moments of the finals and it never fails to give me the chills. Orellana scores the first goal, and then the final penalty with such strength and class, thus concluding their championship. She celebrates as how I do, like a mad girl. She runs to the camera and her mouth spells: Mama. She goes crazy before opening up her arms, closing her eyes, taking in the moment. Before a wave of her own teammates engulf her in a spirited embrace.

Above anything else, I want that.

Someone once said "You can live forever in 90 minutes." I've never felt the glory of the gold medal but I am well acquainted with the devastating, heart wrenching pain of losing one too many semi-final game and being benched, having neither an idea or understanding why.

When Romario came to school and we got the exclusive privilege of engaging in a dialogue with him, I asked if in his career, he'd ever been doubted and if he's proven these people wrong. He told me that when others underestimate you, that should be a driving force for you to go on out there and show them what you're made of.

Reminiscing our season, my best memory was not the greatest glory. It was the emotion I felt, setting foot onto the field 10 minutes before the game ended, that I was previously unfamilliar with. I knew all I had was 10 minutes. To turn the game. To give everything. To fight. It was 10 minutes of absolute certainty. Every scarce opportunity to set foot onto the field was akin to going to war.

Our first loss was a slap across the face. Unexpected. But much needed. We cried and cried but we had to come on stronger the next match because we were facing giants. It was do or die. Fight or Lose. The morning of that match, we walked United and Strong. Quiet but Certain. Focused on our game. I wrote on a piece of cardboard and pasted on the soccer store door: Victory is sweetest when we have tasted Defeat. Today we claim what is ours. And we did. That day, we weren't human. We were beasts.

Today, I know I'm not done. There's more out there for me, there has to be. I am not the fastest runner, haven't got the strongest kicks, the most accurate passes, the strongest mind, nor the optimal fitness but I'll work on my weakness till they become strength. And I'll work on my strength till they become second nature. I want this.

2010-08-06T23:19:00.000+08:00

Who am I, what am I doing here.
Writing presumes readership. And therefore this is written for you. Which means untainted honesty does not exist here. And thus you are reading what I want you to read. What I don't want you to read is in a silver velvet diary. It's read when I'm dead. I'm dead when its read.

The people you share your mind with are not the same as those you allow a peek into your soul. And the people with a glimpse of whats within may not necessarily know you.

People whom you know may not necessarily know you.
People whom you see may not necessarily see you.
People whom you feel may not necessarily feel you.
People who touched you may not necessarily be touched by you.

But then again you may not notice those that notice you.

Do all questions have an answer? Are all answers in front of us? Do we feel what we feel because it's true? Or are we influenced by what we want to feel or what we should be feeling?

Break away from the entrapment of your own mind. Let your soul speak.

2010-08-03T22:02:00.000+08:00

20 things

1) Play the most overwhelmingly inspiring game of your life, with tremendous raging passion. Say a prayer. Find that face on the stands and say it with your eyes: This one's for you.

2) Pick flowers for someone beautiful.

3) Ride horses at dawn while time stops.

4) Name your child after me.

5) Make a promise you know you'll keep as long as you breathe.

6) Listen as your heart beats.

7) Sing She Will Be Loved.

8) Jump into a secret waterfall.

9) Dream.

10) Cry.

11) Read what I wrote when I'm gone.

12) Hurt for someone else.

13) Heal someone.

14) Write me a song.

15) Wake up before the world and run as far as your legs take you.

17) Leave a mark on someone else's life.

18) Do what you were born to do.

19) Remember me.

20) Live.

2010-07-27T20:11:00.000+08:00

Everyone promises. Everyone whispers softly to you and only you and vows to be there for you any time, 24 hours a day.But sometimes everyone betrays. Words are too cheap. When it's 11, you're alone and in excruciating pain, you force yourself to sleep but you're in a state of unrest. You want to sleep because you want to cease to exist. Maybe just for a while. You can't.

Today, I felt a deep piercing pang somewhere in my chest which lasted a second too long. I can't begin to explain.I can't say its something new either. They say every time it kills you it will make you stronger. But a part of me died a while ago. No. Perhaps this is a wrecked state of mind not a wrecked state of being. Perhaps this is a battered ego not a battered soul. I'm not so certain anymore.

I'll come clean. I'll do it and leave. Wrap it up beautifully. Seal it and walk away.

2010-06-12T23:30:00.000+08:00

Do you believe in braving through a lifetime of pain to feel a moment's magic? I didn't exactly brave through a lifetime of pain, but I felt a miracle worth any hurt or scar.

It wasn't the World Cup. Neither was it even the 'A' Divisions. It wasn't at Jalan Besar. The MJ stands were hardly full. Empty, in fact.

Friday. It felt like a dream. The ball fell from the air perfectly and with one solid touch a miracle happened. I stood silent for a third of a microsecond before screaming like a mad girl who's neighbour just bought her a midnight blue Lamborghini and a blueberry chocolate waffle.

And then today, I wondered, do we just live for these moments? Close your eyes and bulldoze through the misery?
Because, one particular morning, I was truly happy and at peace. Everything was normal yet so perfect. On a perfect balance.

As I live tonight alone, I feel all the intensity I've been suppressing. I can no longer deny my nature. My state of being. My emotions. Yet, I have no right to proclaim it. Maybe I don't need to. I am clueless.

But then again, I believe in embracing the pain. I believe in going through the motions. Living life for every second. I read somewhere that everyone/everything in life is going to hurt us. We chose who/what is worth hurting for.

N said hurt was scribbled all over my face. I was never good at hiding.

2010-06-04T22:21:00.000+08:00

When you come, I will kill you. I will kill you for taking that long. You have no idea what I had to go through alone.

After I've killed you, we'll run away because I don't wish to be here anymore. We'll say goodbye. When they beg us to stay, we won't say a word. We'll leave this place. We'll leave everything.

There never was anything in between. I could only love you or hate you. At this point I don't feel like loving you.

My secret world.

2010-05-16T15:55:00.000+08:00

Hold your own. Know your name. And go your own way. And everything, will be fine.

I'm making the decision to part from this particular pain. To remove myself from this specific equation. Through the pursuit of something greater, I have fallen so hard. The scars are permanent. But today I made a choice to stand up and keep going. Some things are not yours to own. With that realisation I also learnt what I am made of inside, and the magnitude of what I have to give. It is waiting to be received.

Of the things I am passionate about, one is worth every pain and breath. It's not over. I'll fight on. I'll see where it takes me. I've met such beautiful people along the way. Those people who's fire I share on the field. Fearless and Certain. Ready to fight with their lives. I've made great friends with these people. Whatever pain, scar, glory, joy is ours to feel. Nobody else will understand. 20 years down the road, we'll dig up the memories together and feel our fire burning again.

The other, I don't need.

A friend asked me what I'd do when I'm sad. I told her, I write and I think. If I am upset because someone has doubted me, I'd run because it empowers me. The anger I have is the energy that gives me more speed. Each pant is removes an ounce of anger and makes me feel stronger. I hope that friend gets back up with me.

Life's too short to be miserable. I was broken and miserable for too long. I don't want to be angry any longer. Now, I am making my way towards peace. I spoke to Mama and she says Time heals all.

Taylor Swift said that "The final blow hits you. And somebody else gets what you wanted again," but she also said "The time will come for us to finally win."

2010-05-09T23:14:00.000+08:00

"The final blow hits you. And somebody else gets what you wanted again"

That's the story of my life. I was fighting to change that. But my brick walls always come in the form of people who refuse to believe. I've only been certain beyond certainty in two things. Yet, am I losing both? God has a plan for me, Inshallah.

For what feels like a very long time, my life revolved around soccer. Now that the season's coming to an end, I feel so lost. It's been rather extraordinarily life-changing, to have pursued something with so much raging passion and fire burning within me. To have wanted something so bad I'd fight with my life for it. To be fearless. To have met amazing individuals who make up MSG. Meridian Soccer Girls. I would never trade this for anything else.

IF I had 3 wishes right now, I'd wish
1) For a time travelling machine. I'd travel back in time and go through season all over again. Go through the semi finals and claim what was rightfully ours. I'd fix things.
2) I'd wish to be extraordinarily talented in soccer so that I could do what I was meant to do.
3) I'd have one AMAZING, magical game of my life for me to remember forever and ever.

We'll still make history.

2010-03-16T09:17:00.000+08:00

Did you say it? I love you. I don't ever want to live without you. You changed my life. Did you say it?

Make a plan. Set a goal. Work toward it. But every now and then look around. Drink it in.

Coz this is it.

It might all be gone tomorrow.

2010-03-07T09:02:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I wish I could fix things.

I wish the angels' mom and dad wouldn't get a divorce.
I want to hug them and tell them I love them.
I want to hold their hands and play Ring Around the Roses like we always do because it makes them happy.
I cannot bear to watch their young lives and innocent dreams crumble.
My heart hurts.

But I know I'm too small to fight the world.
I cannot fix things because I am broken. And it's impossible for you to fix me.
I always feel that I need to be strong. But I'm the one who's always in tears.

T says I'll continue to be in pain. Because it is the right thing to do.

Perhaps the bits of empowerment I get is from being female. And playing soccer. To me and the girls, it's more than just dribbling or scoring goals. When you're on that field, you could feel so much or sometimes feel ABSOLUTELY NOTHING at all. You scream passion because you want it so bad. MSGs know what I mean.

If my life was paradise, I'd wake up early before sunrise everyday in a canopy bed with white linen sheets and colourful pillows to the sound of birds chirping.

I walk out of my room through the full-length French doors, into my secret garden filled with beautiful flowers. They greet me and allow me to smell them.
I walk down the path marked by peaceful pink pebbles that make beautiful music.

Barefoot. The path leads me to you by the swings. In this life, you love me.
You say: good morning princess. I smile. We sit by the swings.
We talk about everything. We keep quiet.
We close our eyes, take in a deep breath.
We ask time to pause for us to take it all in.

And time waits patiently.
When we're ready, we open our eyes and time resumes.
The world around us looks beautiful.
We take our horses and race to our secret waterfall.

I win. We dive into the waterfall. And we start to glow.
We swim with the fishes and tell them our story.
You sing me your song.

We lay by the meadows and watch the sun go down.
My head on your chest. I close my eyes and listen to your heartbeat.
It synchronizes with mine.

But then Taylor Swift sings: I'm not your Princess. This ain't a fairytale.

2010-02-14T21:22:00.000+08:00

Our hearts are hungry for a food that won't come
We could make a feast from these crumbs

My heart is one thing that has been smashed repeatedly. And then delicately, with the gentlest, sweetest care, sewn back together. Only to be carelessly, not mercilessly, thrown into a plunge from the highest peak of the Grand Canyon. I feel every bit of it.

It hurts, but I close my eyes, brace myself. And I feel it.

But Kris Allen says we gotta live like we're dying. So I refuse to let my heart rot in skepticism. I won't hate. I won't be afraid to love.

Love. I used to think love was like my last bottle of water on a scorching hot day in Saudi's Rub al-Khali desert. I couldn't share it with everyone. I've hardly ever uttered "I love you" (except to food, impeccably charming and vastly superior to its kind. HA HA). I didn't love many people. At least I told myself I couldn't. Because, like I always told Khair: your word is your bond. It's your vow and your promise. I would be disgusted if I went around freely proclaiming my love for people whom I wouldn't shed a tear for.

Love is not something you say when someone gives you a Lamborghini

Okay, maybe.

To me love is when I want to take all your pain away even if I have to bear it and get nothing in return.

When people say they love me, I don't take it. I say thank you. Because the world doesn't function the way I do.

But then, I thought again, and maybe love is cheap. It's meant to be. I was desperately trying to make something greater out of it. Love is cheap so it can go around. So that the world becomes a better place. Like the Powerpuff Girls' song: LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE makes the world go round.

I don't know. But I feel what I feel. I believe what I believe. Some things cannot be labelled.

There are people in my life whom I need to fix things with before it's too late. I don't know how to, but I know I need to.

To begin with, I owe these people who have seen me at my worst, an apology. The unfortuante reality to life is that, things have changed. Right now it's easy for people to assume that I have forgotten who I was/am. I'm perhaps less inhibited and I look different. I've met people who'd kick me when I'm down and pretend to be a friend. I've also met others who promised to have my back.

I know I haven't been such a lousy friend because I've been MIA for so long. I'm sorry to Nuraishah Kapoor, Heeqmah Wahianuar, Calvina Teo, Vanessa Choo, and Rachel Ho, because I could not be there with you guys on Friday. I know that the things planned guaranteed a ton of childlike fun that I can't get elsewhere. The kind of fun that we'd talk about for days till the next outing. I'm so sorry I couldn't be there because I had a match. I know it sounds like I'm choosing soccer over great friends who've been with me through thick and thin. I'm not. It's just that I had that obligation to fulfil and I had to sacrifice what I wanted to do with you guys for that. I hope you guys understand.

I know sometimes it seems like I don't care because I'm not around enough. I do care and I do remember every foolish childishly awesome things that we do. I keep the letters (kapoor and rachel), notes (kapoor), hari raya cards (heeqmah), birthday cards (rachael) that you guys gave me years back because it reminds me of the awesome days.

I put my suicidal drug addict photo to show you I'm sorry.

Ok. Not enough, I put my fat, ugly, TKGS PE uniformed photo. Don't push it ah. (I will probably never get a husband because of this. Hope you know what I am risking.)
.
.
.
.
.
.

Nuraishah Kapoor. I know you're angry at me but I'm really sorry. I know things are very different but I don't care about what people say about me or you or whatever. You are very important to me and you better know that. I don't think the world's biggest, strongest most expensive eraser can erase our friendship because you're the only person who has seen me pee in my pants. I hope you'll forgive me.

CAN WE STILL BE FRIENDS?

2010-01-07T20:09:00.000+08:00

1) I've been running a lot* lately.

The other day I ran 4.5km with my brother at midnight because I felt like I had to defend the dignity of women from my brother's misogynistic accusations of women being weak. Yesterday I ran 3km and today another 3km. On the other hand, I know a 50 year old woman who runs 3km every night. How 'bout that? I am aware of the fact that I may never be able to run the way MATTHEW MOHAN *swoons* does, but I will keep going because it is one of very few things that make me feel good.

* By my fatso standards

2) I foresee a sad 18th birthday for me. But I'll take it because I deserve it and because I'm thankful for all the other great birthdays I've had with all the great friends and family.

3) A very wise man once wrote to me:

"There was once a man who went walking in the forest. He stumbled upon something shiny on the floor and discovered some precious stones. He grabbed them and firmly clasped them in his palms. He was afraid of putting them anywhere else. Besides, he didn't have any bag or purse. As he walked on, he grew tired and thirsty. He came across a flowing stream and decided to have a drink. He didn't have any cup or anything of that sort to scoop up the water. Neither was he willing to put the precious stones down. He thrust his clinched fists into the water. Of course, not a drop went into this throat.

And the moral of the story is...?

The only way to quench your thirst is to leave everything behind and go in with cupped hands, ready to scoop that which flows in."

To me, the concept of leaving trivial things behind to pursue a greater cause is extremely appealing. I also love spontaneity. I've always had the intention of packing my bags and leaving on a backpacking adventure or a road trip around the world to be INSPIRED and to learn. To be free. But then the ad on television says, something along the lines of: The day we were born was the last day we were free. While perhaps the concept of ultimate freedom is evasive, I feel that pursuing the personal sense of freedom is empowering. So guys, THATS IT I'M OUTTA HERE. *starts packing*

4) The gym becomes the dance floor when you have some girls, a huge mirror and great music.

5) I've always known I was born to be a mom. I feel like I have a tremendous amount of love to give right now and who better to receive it then the love of your life in the form of an innocent child. I've also always known that I want many kids and my daughter will be named Rania after Queen Rania of Jordan.

6) I've tons of homework to settle. God help me.

2010-01-02T22:18:00.000+08:00

I asked Mama what she sees when she looks at me.

"I see a very intelligent girl."

I see a very confused person. Uninspired.

Being of mixed heritage I was BORN confused. But I never used to be uninspired. I was on top of the world with my beliefs. What I stood for was clear to me and nobody could tell me otherwise. I was idealistic, I guess. I had big dreams. I even created what I call a Passion List of things to do at least once in my life. For instance, #8 is Trekking on Milford Sound, New Zealand and #4 is Cliff Diving.

A glimpse of Milford Sound.

In 2009 I adopted a laid-back, go-with-the-flow attitude, neglecting- or disposing, rather- the massive amount of passion and ambition I once had. While I don't believe that a new year is the only reason to alter my way of life for the better by setting resolutions, but I'd like to start afresh. 2010 is the year I plan to get back what 2009 robbed me of: MYSELF.

The Game Plan:

1) Be Honest and Truthful.

Shed the mask.

There was a quote in the movie Kingdom of Heaven that is: tell the truth even if it leads to your death. While it seems rather extreme, I want to live by it. There are important individuals in my life that deserve an explanation from me because I haven't been completely honest in one way or another. I will lay my cards on the table. I will stop pretending.

2) Feel It, EMBRACE It.

Freedom.

At 17 I felt massively and foolishly struggled to categorize my emotions. At 18 I will allow myself to feel what I do and to embrace what I feel. In the famous words of abang James Morrison: If it's a broken part, replace it. If it's a broken arm, then brace it. If it's a broken heart then FACE it.I want to swim in my very own river of happiness, yet if hurt is lingering I want to FEEL it.

3) Find Myself By Finding God.
Seek and you will find.

I may have been confused about who I am but I know certainly that there is a God. While people have disappointed me, I've never lost faith in God. I need to seek. I don't know how, but I need faith. I have a theory that the inevitable nature of human beings is to be enslaved. To be dictated by a force, stronger than oneself. I refuse to be a slave to fashion, men, money, and the media. I will only be dictated by the word of God because I believe in it.

4) Live My Life With Purpose and Meaning.

Be inspired.

My trip to Cambodia was rather uninspiring because I had no purpose and therefore no significant meaning. I expected to feel the plight of the people but I did not because I came with massive expectations but no intentions because of my laid-back attitude. Yet, it is a learning point. I will be inspired again. This year, one of my goals is for the first time in my entire life, push myself to my fullest potential, be it in sports or academics.

It certainly is a handful of change but I will strive. I want myself more than I want to be accepted.

2009-12-31T00:26:00.000+08:00

Top 5 MEN of 2009

5) Prince 'Fazza' of Dubai

Age: 27

Ethnicity: Arab

Nationality: Emirati

Husband/Boyfriend Material: neither. Apart from him being a rather good looking prince and owning beautiful horses and a white tiger cub as a pet, I don't find this prince at all charming. Perhaps to me he seems rather boring because he PALES IN COMPARISON to the top 4 Men Of 2009 all of whom you will witness as you scroll down.

Sex appeal: $$$$?

Compared to puberty boys: I'd say he's still a Puberty Boy. :c

Perfect for girls who are: are fake and materialistic. Shame on you!

Perfect match: Who wants TAKE LAH.

4) Bear Grylls

Age: 35

Ethnicity: Irish

Nationality: British

Husband/Boyfriend Material: I really don't know about this. Would you want to have a significant other jumping of cliffs and helicopers? Unless you get to jump along that is.:

Sex Appeal: Fearless and adventurous character despite a mediocre face.His series Man Vs Wild is a display of masculinity beyond compare.

Compared to Puberty Boys: BEAR GRYLLS IS THE MAN.

Perfect for girls who: Are lazy to cook. This man, being a true adventurer and survivor, eats absolutely anything that won't kill him. Just grab some ants and lizards around the house and feed him. Low maintenance.

Perfect match: Nuraishah Kapoor

3)Diego Bunuel
No prices for guessing which one he is.

Age: 34

Ethnicity: Spanish

Nationality: French

Husband/Boyfriend Material: I'd marry him because we could go on adventures around the world to places you'd never imagine. We'd visit war-torn places and learn truths that the media conceals.:

Sex Appeal: His sense of adventure, lack of fear and ability to blend in anywhere. Evident in his impressive documentaries Don't Tell My Mother, this man is a chameleon speaking a gazillion tongues. Throw him in Palestine and he looks like an Arab and speaks lughat el 3arabiyy like a pro but he says humbly that he speaks only shway shway (a little bit). He also speaks Spanish, French and English (I suspect he speaks Korean too). He's been to dangerous, volatile and war torn places such as the Gaza Strip in Israel, Afghanistan, North Korea, Colombia and Iran. Plus, HE'S AFFILIATED TO NAT GEO! *swoons*

Compared to Puberty Boys: Are you kidding me? Do I need to answer this? A man of substance and credibility needs no comparison to Puberty Boys.

Perfect for girls who: Are real and thirst for truth, knowledge and adventure.

Perfect match: Sharifah Nabilah

2)Isam Bachiri

Age:32

Ethnicity: Arab (originally from Algeria)

Nationality: Danish

Husband Material/ Boyfriend Material: Too bad, he's married. *heart breaks into a million pieces*

Sex appeal: Killer accent, killer good looks. He's also someone with substance well acquainted with the sufferings of the Palestinian people. His song Look Into My Eyes, is a reflection of his fervour for the interest of the opressed people.

Compared to Puberty Boys: PUBERTY BOYS ARE NOT DEEP ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND.

Perfect for girls who: Care for the oppressed.

Perfect match: Sharifah Nabilah

AND FINALLY.... *drumroll*

1) Muhammad RAZEEF
Cool kappa..

Age: 5

Ethnicity: Mat. Just kidding la Razeef. I don't know Razeef's official ethnicity. Indian right, Razeef?

Nationality: Singaporean.

Husband Material/ Boyfriend Material: Both. Razeef is just an awesome guy who never lets his emotions get the better of him. Razeef is a bundle of joy that everyone in MJ will miss.

Sex appeal: When he sings... you cant help but CLOSE YOUR EARS. But rest assured Razeef is an awesome person and a Drama King who was one of the shining stars of VISAGE. Girls like Ern couldn't stop screaming HI RAZEEF! YAY RAZEEF!

Compared to Puberty Boys: Razeef stands tall in the polluted sea of Puberty Boys. :D

Perfect for girls who: Razeef deserves the best.<3

Perfect match: HANNA BEGAM!

2009-12-13T01:00:00.001+08:00

Growing up with nothing to boast but an energetic and happy character, I had to be smart to survive. When I was old enough to enter school that did me good because I spoke well. I remember my kindergarten teacher taking me away from the other children to listen to me yap about my weekend. I went on and on. And on.

Whether stripped from that childlike innocence, or undergoing the phase of teen-angst, I now have nothing to say. I realise that I have the tendency of shutting down on people. People who once mattered or are, by the rule of nature, supposed to matter just lose significance based on their grave mistakes. I forgive and I forget YOU. It's a very cold way my mind deals with hurt.

I am scarred for life. I've been since I was old enough to think. This is when maturing fast is a disadvantage. Life's truths slap you in the face without warning.

3rd January 2003.
I was a child.
Then 6.05pm came.
It didn't wait.

I read somewhere that true love does not increase with good deeds that the other party does. Nor does it decrease with his wrongs. Assuming this theory valid, I can safely conclude that I, Sharifah Nabilah, am incapable of loving therefore being loved. Right now I only feel pain because when I feel love it turns around and takes away every ounce of strength I have.

Meanwhile, for my sake, lets not define love at all. Let's just allow it to be. Like the wind. Feel it, take it in, enjoy it while it lasts, but don't try to dissect and analyse it. It's just wind. If only it were that simple.

Her father said her name and asked her what's wrong.

I can't have that. There are many things I can't have. Deal with it? But I'm just a kid. A kid that wanted something she cant have. Now she needs it but doesn't want it because she can't have it.

I'll be 18 in a month. Time robs me of my innocence. Of my youth. Of what little feeling I have left. I know I have to fix this. I have to fix myself. I have to find myself. I have to find God. Because 5 years on and I am still stuck in the longkang I was thrown in.

2009-11-21T09:47:00.000+08:00

It feels like there's nothing left for me.

My 17 has by far been ragingly emotional.

Feelings I never thought I could ever feel.

I'll never forget this year because I've lost a large part of myself (literally and figuratively) in pursuit of a sense of being complete.

As ironic as that sounds.

I feel like womanhood is slowly creeping in and engulfing my youth.

I feel like my soul is a child but my heart is a woman.

My soul wants to be free and play in the rain and pick flowers.

My heart tells me to be stable and be the source of peace, comfort and refuge for someone I love.

The woman gives but the child demands to receive.

This is just a difficult transition phase.

I'll pull through.

2009-11-16T11:58:00.000+08:00

The ring around your finger.

2009-11-16T01:32:00.000+08:00

Sometimes we are completely wrong about our own feelings.
Sometimes our heart works faster than our head.
Sometimes we realise and we say: THAT'S IT, I HAVE CROSSED THE LINE.
Sometimes we place one person way higher than he deserves.
Sometimes we make mistakes.
Sometimes we fall.
Sometimes we have to pick ourselves back up and fix ourselves.
Sometimes people make brave promises and we let our lives depend on their words.
Sometimes we get hurt but we try to conceal it by nodding and saying "uh-huh" excessively.
Sometimes people think we are strong but we are not.
Sometimes we hate.
Sometimes we lose ourselves in pursuit of "happiness".
Sometimes people lie.
Sometimes we can't be too naiive.

All the time, we are alone.

I am not in the best state of mind.

2009-11-08T20:44:00.000+08:00

KEVIN.WONG.

2009-11-08T13:48:00.000+08:00

1) If I could have one power, it would be the ability to time travel to anytime and place.
I'd travel back in time to:
-Mambo Jambo

-Orientation

-My childhood/Girlhood (TKG days)

2) My friends call me FARTLADY, coz I farted in my sleep in Brunei. So what!

3) I met my cousin Gaia Alkaff after 2 WHOLE YEARS. Its been that long since I heard her call me Nab. I missed her accent and humor.
Me: I remember meeting you when I was 12 and you were 17 *We both burst out laughing*
"If you wanna parent somebody, have a child" - Gaia Alkaff

3) On Friday, we played soccer with the teachers and some boys. It was darn hilarious.
Teacher: I RUN FASTER THAN YOU!
Me: I'M A GIRL!
Teacher: SO? I'M AN OLD MAN!

4) In sec 1, Kapoor made a song about me called RED RUBBER BAND.

You tie your hair with your hair!
To cover up, that RED RUBBER BAND!
You look so pretty, you look so fine!
Someday I'm gonna gonna make you mine!
LETS GO!
REDDDDDDDDDD RUBBER BAND

I love that girl.

5) I wish I lived in the countryside. I could run out of my house at dawn,
Play in the meadows
Ride my horseSwim in the secret river
Hide in the woods

Pick flowers
I'd be very happy.

2009-11-05T21:09:00.000+08:00

Someone like you and all you know and how you speak
Countless lovers under cover of the street
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody
Someone like you
Off in the night while you live it up I'm off to sleep
Waging wars to shake the poet and the beat
I hope it's gonna make you notice
I hope it's gonna make you notice

Someone like me, someone like me
Someone like me, somebody

2009-11-01T09:15:00.000+08:00

1) Taylor Swift reminded me that I'm not a Princess, this ain't a Fairytale.

2) I was listening to music on my way to school one day and I realised that:
Life is like an Ipod on shuffle. Then Cyclone comes on.

3) I've been questioning why I do certain things. I question why I treat certain people so special and others with absolutely no regard. In a way, I am putting all my eggs in one basket. My basket's about to be mercilessly robbed in more ways than one.

4)I'm caught in between Growing Up and Being a Kid
Between Moving On and Staying
Between Loving and Owning
Between Knowing and Wondering

5) I fell in love on Friday night. After soccer, I took a good long shower, made sure I was squeaky clean before paying a visit to cousin Khadija who just gave birth to the purest, most beautiful and delicate baby girl. I was scared to lay my clumsy hands on her at first. I didn't want to taint something so beautiful. Ever so carefully, I took her in my arms. I just stared at her face. Touched her toes. She was beautiful.

6) I'm not ready to face the coming year. I'm gonna have to brave through this alone.
But I taught others that: You shouldn't fear what you don't know. I guess it's about time I man up and practice what I preach.

7) She is not an angel.

8) I went swimming last week with my little cousins Hannah and Hamzah. We pretended I was a mermaid and I could grant them 3 wishes. They wished for "infinity wishes". How original, kids. I told them that "Thats not possible. According to the rule #484 of the Mermaid Rule Book, infinity wishes are absolutely not allowed."

9) I am trying my very best to be gentler because I have had enough hurting people around me, physically or not. :(

10) There are many things I can't write here. I have found a beautiful alternative: Pen and Paper. Hence, the lack of updates. I write when I'm alone and I can write anything and everything. It helps me dissect and understand everything. I write letters to important people in my life, but they only get to see it after I'm gone. I told Khair that when I die, he's supposed to go to my house, find my box of writings and let those in concern read it. Hope he doesn't forget.

2009-10-17T10:06:00.000+08:00

From Kevin's blog.

Where Have All The Flowers Gone? Sharifah Picked Them Lah!!!

Posted by Kevin Wong

LOLOLOLOL today was interesting... I followed Sharifah, Hanna and Khair to Macs to eat breakfast before my Chinese period. Suddenly I was in the Flower Gang (LMAO). Sharifah was like, "Let's walk to White Sands, we pick flowers on the way!!!" HAHAHA so we did lah. Picked up a few flowers (couldn't believe that I was SO into it but didn't want to anger her wadddd pre-menstrual ROFL XD) then finally decided to take a bus instead after awhile.

Eating eating Macs... then we gathered all the lovely flowers we picked and Sharifah collected them and placed them onto a napkin and you know what she said?

"The flowers look happy."

LOLOLOLOLOL we were laughing like mad when she said that. Actually, she was saying a lot of crazy stuff which was fun and cool! :P (i.e. "the flowers sound happy" or "what if we picked up birds instead of flowers"). *sighs* you had to be there to appreciate the humour.

Signing out!

2009-08-22T22:24:00.000+08:00

FORGIVENESS
Ironic isn't it how, in the name of pride, we reject apologies but we beg for Allah's forgiveness. I absolutely hate it when people say: "I can forgive but I won't forget." That statement depletes every ounce of sincerity from your intentions. While naturally you may not be able to erase a bad memory, articulating that you "won't forget" highlights a conscious effort on your part not to fully let go. Forgiveness means letting your guard down, opening your arms, and embracing a new beginning. Imagine what how your soul would rot if God could never forgive you and shut down on you.

It's Ramadhan and I feel like it's time to start on a fresh page. I've made mistakes after mistakes after mistakes and while it is not easy to forgive myself, I've made the decision to move on and live what's left of my life the way I feel apt.

I pray that God forgives me.

I pray that people I've hurt forgive me.

I pray that I will redeem myself and become a better person.

I pray that my temper be tamed.

I pray that I make the best decisions.

I pray that I will make it for promos.

I pray that Allah blesses my life.

WHAT YOU HAVE
I had an epiphany during GP one afternoon before falling asleep (my tutor was away). For days following that, I desperately tried to remember what my philosophical realisation was but I just couldn't. Then one day it came back to me.

I have actually had this idea at the back of my head for the longest time but it never really surfaced and confronted me. Until that very day. My head was working overtime while my body surrendered to extreme fatigue. While my eyes threatened to shut, this question popped into my head: What do I have? I started thinking of my inclinations, my talents, my abilities and my character. My brain refused to give in and bombarded me with further questioning: What if all these were taken away from you? Then I'd have nothing. I'd be nothing. Which then led me to the rude awakening of what I was in dire need of: an extraordinary HEART and SOUL.

A person who is only a footballer would be nothing without his feet. A person who is only a singer would be nothing without his voice. A person who is defined by something so spiritually trivial would be nothing if things were taken away from him. On the other hand though, if you were a person with a great heart and a beautiful soul, nobody can change that. Because if your heart and soul were taken away from you, you would cease to exist.

And here's where I fell asleep.

HAHA.

My heart and soul is a work in progress. I've given myself give or take 3 years to fix things and Inshallah, God willing I'll be complete then. :-) Speaking as if I'm a painting. Or a building. "work in progress... complete..." HAHA.

2009-08-13T20:03:00.000+08:00

If you need a laugh, you could go to a random schoolmate for a quick fix. But you can't cry on everyone's shoulder. The way I see it, you're important to a person when he/she shares his/her sadness with you.

I may have either been misunderstood or I've been a completely wrong about myself.

"DON'T LIE. YOU THRIVE IN CROWDS"- Mega
I used to believe I was a personal person- Until I caught myself cracking jokes and laughing my lungs out in a herd (yes, almost primal) of people. I would head home and have ZERO energy left to speak because I've had a blast in school clowning around WHILE Mama thought I was exhausted from studying. I dunno if anyone has noticed but my voice has changed. I don't sound like a girl anymore, probably thanks to all the screaming and cheering (there's a cheer for everything, even water breaks) at soccer.

"THERE'RE ALWAYS TWO SIDES TO ONE COIN"- Khair
Then I guess I'm a coin. But my two sides are conflicting. I'm a crowd person yet a personal person. I'm quiet yet loud. I'm shy (people crack up each time I say this) yet confident. Does this make me strange? Does this make me unfathomable? Does this make me pretentious?

"HOW CAN WE UNDERSTAND SOMEONE WHO CHANGES ALL THE TIME?"- Kapoor
That describes me and my (chosen?) path of inconsistency. Perhaps my lifelong paranoia [as people diagnosed it] that my face changes each time I look in the mirror was a foretelling of the issues I face (pun intended kappa?) now. While my feelings have a tendency to to switch sides, the CORE OF MY BEING IS CONSTANT.

"YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING THE RIGHT THING BUT YOU'RE NOT"- a teacher
Wow. A slap would be less painful, thank you. But she's got a point. I always think I'm right. My friends don't want to argue with me because "we know we can never win a verbal war with you."
From an angle of blatant conceit, that would be flattering. But if you think deeper, it's probably the greatest insult. If I think I'm always right, then I am indeed a fool.

While I find myself amidst all chaos of life, I'll leave you with an inspirational quote by one of the most intellectual people in the entire universe....

"PANTAT FIRM" - Errfee.

In a Lilo& Stitch Voice.

Usually said after, "MAT TU HOT LA SIA."

Before I crack up.

Like a Hyena.

2009-08-01T23:41:00.000+08:00

Life is an adventure and perhaps I am at its peak. This peak is not absolute paradise. I'm living it a moment at a time, with complete awareness that time will not wait. Life ain't bliss but then again, everything happens for a reason. I trust God.

It's August 2009 and people are suicidal. Everything is being thrown at you whether you like it or not. You're incapable of darting all the time so life's shit hits you smack in the face like a tight slap. Reality slaps you across the face.

As rapidly as people enter your life, they leave- TOGETHER. AT THE SAME TIME. And, you're left to mend yourself. You've changed. You don't like the person you've become.

I feel like I used to be a lot deeper, a lot smarter, a lot more self-assured, a lot funnier.

Maybe I'll get myself back soon. I've lost many things along the way.

Over the weekend I tried finding myself in between headaches, baby cousins and soccer balls. Perhaps I've only managed to peel of layers of uncertainty to reveal one question: IF THE TWO CONFLICTED, WOULD YOU RATHER BE GOOD OR BE NORMAL?

So I asked myself if I'd rather be morally upright and abide by God's every decree or behave the way everyone else would and be accepted. My conclusion: I never want to be put it that spot. I know that my answer is not exactly brilliant but me being me, I'd need time to sit and systematically dissect the issue. And time is exactly what I don't have.

Well, in pursuit of higher education, I've effectively become dumber and this is where my post ends. I've had life sucked out of me and I'll write again when I get my mojo back. Wish me luck through life's uncertainties. God Bless.

2009-07-04T12:48:00.001+08:00

Jason Mraz made it sound so easy:
If it's a broken part replace it.
If it's a broken arm then brace it.
If it's a broken heart then face it.

Now it feels more like, replacing emotion with imagination, bracing self for the worst and facing life with eyes shut. What ever happened to embracing the pain? Too painful. I told a friend that in every disaster is a blessing, but I still question if in every blessing is a disaster.

Maybe its just this age. Of Realisation. Of Blindness. Realisation of your blindness. Blindness of my realisation.

On the other hand, perhaps I am happy. Not pleased, but happy. Happiness being a state of being and pleasure being a fleeting moment. Perhaps I am content. I'm letting God and my faith in God lead the way. Time will tell.

I'll continue to make my own mistakes and more importantly learn from them. I'm not exactly a woman yet. I'm just a kid. A seven year old boy to be specific (as pointed out by Namira). Speaking of Namira, she says I remind her of Sandra Bullock in Miss Congeniality beacause I'm loud and clumsy. That girl sure has nice things to say about me. :)

Back on track, I think it's beautiful how once you say everything's gonna be okay, that load of worry is taken off your chest and the room lights up. And then you start laughing like a hyena. No like a man. A male hyena, how bout that?

2009-06-05T21:39:00.000+08:00

Today left a pea-sized dent in my heart. I guess I left the door ajar, and someone took curious a peak inside, and I smiled and said Hi.

I wasn't supposed to. Nobody was allowed to enter, remember? Remember our pact, Nadia? I forgot. No, I remembered. I just thought maybe... But, I invested my emotions, I was bound to get hurt anyways. The difference is, I'm on my own. At the end of the day, I don't quite have a daddy to run to when a boy leaves pea-sized dent in my heart.

Why? What happened today? Nothing. It's just that realisation of the prospect inevitable pain inflicted on my fragile teenage heart. Why did I have to feel?

I told Namira I didn't fall. I just tripped. Fall has this connotation of extreme un-ferroshness and vulnerability. Trip = Accident.

Anw, I've stopped questioning. It is what it is. You know. I know.

Maybe right... All these is just so cute lah. Innocent and cute, if you minus the thoughts and the pain.

Perhaps its time I grew up...

NAHHHHHHHH

I'm gonna live my 17. I'd still skip around the field, I'd still do bhangra, I'd still make stupid jokes, I'd still laugh like crazy. You know why? Coz I'm a GIRLLLLLLL.

K people say hello to Meridian Soccer Girls' Exco Member! YES AHHHH! I was screaming like mad when they said my name. I'm so glad. I totally didn't expect it. I was bracing myself, ready them to call out some other name.

Part of my impromptu rally speech:
"When you're injured on that field ah, you just wanna see my face lah... Instant healing."

You know my name right? Next time, I'll be running across the field, with a first-aid kit, wind in my face- everything playing in slow-mo, just like in the movies- YOU GUYS BETTER SCREAM MY NAME.

Sentence of the day goes to.... (drumroll: Eh Eh Eh Eh Ahhhhhh)
ERN: I can never imagine you insecure.

2009-05-30T20:55:00.000+08:00

It is when you stop and remove yourself from the chaos of this world, that you start to observe. You then notice how people make a complete fool out of themselves in pursuit of something so ridiculously FLAWED.

And then you vow never to stoop that low.

But what if, by FEELING, you already have stooped that low?

NAH. I'm Ferrosh. :)

Sometimes I question why I am such a...
HELGA!

Moving on, things to look forward to:
1) :)

2) Friday's training with my NEW BOOTS! I've got 2 more! Now I've got 3 boots! But I only have 2 feet! AWWWWWWW!

3) Diva La Futbol on Saturday. WEEHEE

4) Heeqmah's barbeque on Monday

5) Cleaning up my mess of a college life and START STUDYING. ITS ABOUT TIME!

6) Jogging

7) SLEEEEEEP

LATERRRRR PEEPS

2009-05-17T12:34:00.000+08:00

Life sux... Everything is just so fake and meaningless. Somebody just stab me in the heart now

2009-05-09T14:13:00.000+08:00

Hey so this week was pretty menopause-y except the LATER part of Monday and FRIDAY. Weehee.. Now I'm just happy and high!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY NADIA!

I love the fact that I am allowed to be myself in MJ. I mean, I could have a bad hair day and still have friends. How awesome is that!? NO la.. Just kidding. But Friday, bad hair day MAXIMUM.

I am so blessed to be surrounded by people that:
1) tolerate me doing bhangra and crumping to Imran Khan ft Lucky's Ni Nachle. (NADIA and MARD)
2) throw shoe bags at me when they're excited. (ALYA)
3) laugh at my "IN AFRICA" jokes. (ARTS PEEPS)
4) make "BAYYEK AH MEMBER" jokes with me (KAPOOR)

Wednesday at GP:
(Mr Nathan made each of us play this question and answer game and Matthew Mohan just felt like sabo-ing me).

Mohan: Who's the first boy that caught your eye in MJ?
*class makes jungle noises*
Me: I will not say the truth ah... coz actually there's something going on...
*class makes jungle noises*
*I yap away*
Me: But if you ask me... which boy's eye I catch... the answer is every boy...
*class makes jungle noises*
*Mohan gives me the EH EH THIS GIRL look*
Me: Just kidding lah!

I should blog more often. BYE!

2009-05-06T19:11:00.000+08:00

I witnessed something none of you ever did.
I was part of something none of you ever were.
And I thought, hey I could love this person...

2009-04-26T11:16:00.000+08:00

I needed to hold my feelings in my hands, peel off the layers of uncertainty and dissect its core. I've gotten to the first two parts. Now it's time to dissect. Now here's where things get tricky.

I didn't feel anything.
I was not my best.
I didn't care.

An analogy:

I'm 17 and I wanted to know that I was worth the coveted Maserati.
The Maserati that was right here in front of my eyes.
I wanted to know that I was capable.
I've always wanted a particular Maserati.
This one came in a different colour and its engine was not perfect.
But I insisted.
I then realised the Maserati was not a Maserati.
It just looked like one.

HMMM...

Am I lying to myself? Let's see how things go this week.
OMG this is freaky. I just remembered having a dream about an empty parking lot, Maserati and a Maserati (the car), yesterday night.

2009-04-26T08:22:00.000+08:00

NIAGARA FALLS MAXIMUM.

This week was rough for me and my friends. From unnecessary discoveries to much needed revelations to inevitable confrontations. Tears, tears and more tears. Yet we tighter than ever. All I can say is: Girls that CYCLE together, stay together.

In pursuit of higher education, I have become more shallow. I used to feel more for the world. Now, I'm just conveniently ignorant. I can't remember the last time I made prayers for the oppressed people of Palestine. It's been a long time since I cried for them. I was a hopeful skeptic but at least I cared. Now, I'm just an average, selfish, teenager whose world revolves around school and friends. Sorry to disappoint. :(

2009-04-22T01:44:00.000+08:00

Nabilah says:
I WANT HEATHCLIFF
Nabilah says:
he is my kinda guy
Nabilah says:
i am so catherine
Nabilah says:
not so
Nabilah says:
shes abit bitchy spoilt brat
Nabilah says:
u know the two of them escape into the moors
Nabilah says:
they just run freely into nature
Nabilah says:
thats what i want
Nabilah says:
and heathcliff hates everyone else but LOVES catherine
Nabilah says:
he becomes the most sensitive hostile guy ever
Nabilah says:
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh
nadia says:
OK ITU LAST WARNNG
nadia says:
TO THE MAX
nadia says:
FANTASYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
nadia says:
AKU RASA TAK ADA ORANG MACAM ITU
nadia says:
KALAU ADA PUN, I DONT THINK I CAN BE CATHERINE
nadia says:
MEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
nadia says:
catherine is so lucky and blessed
Nabilah says:
tapi in the story its complexla
Nabilah says:
she marries someone else
nadia says:
hahaaha
nadia says:
yaaa
nadia says:
tapi macam its really a fantasy
nadia says:
a dream
Nabilah says:
its nice when someone is really crazy abt u
nadia says:
i dun think this situation can exist
nadia says:
you think can?
nadia says:
exist in real world
Nabilah says:
like heathcliff he didnt know how to love anyone but cath
Nabilah says:
can exist
Nabilah says:
just more complex
Nabilah says:
then it wont be as wonderful
nadia says:
susah lahhhhhhhhh
Nabilah says:
like.. u know
Nabilah says:
my fantasy
Nabilah says:
IT EXISTS
Nabilah says:
just the way i say it
nadia says:
aku tak paham la *danial yap way*
nadia says:
tapi fantasy kau tak far-fetched
Nabilah says:
but then the complex situation
nadia says:
ini fantasy extreme punya tau
Nabilah says:
hahah ya sorta..
Nabilah says:
but still its not as perfect as when u say it in words
Nabilah says:
coz words dont depict everything
Nabilah says:
and we sense everything
Nabilah says:
its impossible to describe everything
Nabilah says:
frm ur mixed feelings to every single object within ur sight
Nabilah says:
to ur thoughts
Nabilah says:
and all those make reality
nadia says:
uhhh
Nabilah says:
so WORDS=a fragment of reality, heavily sugarcoated
nadia says:
kau sungguh deep

2009-04-12T22:17:00.000+08:00

It's 10pm.
The night is peaceful.
The raindrops are perfect.
The wind is perfect.
I want to go cycling in the rain alone.
Mama says no.
I say at least play in the rain, no cycling.
Mama says no.
I am the kid nobody wants to play with because everyone else has grown up.
I'm sad.
I wanna cry.
Where is my Soulmate that will play in the rain with me?
Dear God, give me a sign, make Soulmate text me now.
Okay. Now.
Now.
Anytime Now.

2009-04-09T20:49:00.000+08:00

If I have a power, it is perhaps the ability to sense. I am not ashamed to say, humbly, that I am a PRO at looking beyond a facade and reading human behaviour. This gift from above, coupled with a keen sense of sight/observance, I am the analyst among friends. In Alya's words: Thank you!

SCHOOL!

GP is perhaps the only class where I could actually feel smart.
Math- I feel like I've got low IQ
Lit- Everyone else is well-read
History - Slips my mind like it's history
Econs - EH!?

In GP, you could admire the teacher for his knowledge yet disrespect him for his opinions and openly challenge it. In Math the teacher ignores you or if you're particularly lucky, speaks to you like you're dumb.

Apart from classes, everything else is A.W.E.S.O.M.E. Couldn't ask for more. Praise God.

I wake up each morning knowing that the day would be happy. I leave school excited for the next day in school. I fall asleep knowing that in a few hours I'd have a load of fun. I wake up and I await something...

RANDOM THOUGHT
I have this childish fantasy.

I wish I could call someone at 2 am in the morning and...

1) Cycle to get some ice-cream

2) Lie in the beautiful secret meadows and gaze upon the stars

3) Go cruising around in a car we stole from our parents on an empty road

4) Swim in a secret lake in a magic forest

Then secretly sneak back into the house. We'd meet in a few hours like we do everyday and pretend nothing happened, like we didn't just have the best time of our lives.

2009-04-06T23:54:00.000+08:00

I hate pretense.
I hate falseness.

And that is why I don't just let people in. People make absolutely flawed judgements, forcing you to "twist to fit the mould" (in Adam Levine's words) of their assumptions.

I don't want someone to like me for who I pretend to be, therefore I don't pretend. Yet, I do conceal. Because I am not an open book for everyone to read.

2009-03-28T11:06:00.000+08:00

After 17 years of living, I met a girl who could aptly describe me in one sentence.
"You ACT like a 5 year old but you THINK very maturely."

My 5-year old self who insisted she was a PRINCESS. Yea I've always had the unibrow. Shut up.

I make excuses to go Nauwar's place all the time so I could bring the kids, Agil, Danial, Eiman, Aufa, Alia, Hussein and Hamzah swimming and play Ring Around The Roses and London Bridge with the babies. Secretly I'm the one dying to do all the kiddy stuffs.

I'm suddenly reminded of Lucy Diamond Dawson (Dakota Fanning) from the movie, I am Sam, at yesterday's GP movie screening. Nadia and I stepped into the room laughing like fools, and left the room crying like fools. It's a story of love between a retarded man (Sean Penn) and his genius of a little daughter.

I wonder why a perfectly intellectual man is incapable of loving his daughter that way. I may say that I'm over that confused and unloved phase of my life (which dominated my TKGS days) but a part of me is still... hollow (and no, Alya/Twin/Razeef/Whoever thinking of insulting me, It's NOT MY HEAD). "Ah kk Aku Amek." (INSIDE JOKE)

School this week was fun despite the unfortunate absence of Caveman (Sorry Cavies our Mascot is busy with exams. Update: HE CUT 2.333463 cm OF HIS HAIR!) yet EXHAUSTING because of classes, homework and NIAGARA FALLS!

I have demonstrated my ability to fall unconscious anywhere, everywhere and anytime. Let me count the number of times I have fallen asleep without even realising it: *counts fingers for 10 whole minutes* TWO! (HAHAHAHA INSIDE JOKE).

2+1=3 Wonderful things happened this entire week. EH!?!!? (ANOTHER INSIDE ARNOLD JOKE)

Things to look forward to:
1) Life ahead in MJ
2) :)
3) VJ drama night 24th April, Friday
Who wants to go!!!!!????

Go lah why you telling me.

2009-03-25T23:06:00.000+08:00

Everyone else sees a divine gift from above. I see mistake and simplicity. I desire mistake and simplicity.

Welcome To NIAGARA FALLS! YAY!

JC's evil side is engulfing (not entirely tho) my YOUTH, and threatens to hold it hostage.
This cruelty is manifested in the form of an old man, 4 walls, and workload the size of India.

Wouldn't it be simply AWESOME if school was about, Recess, PE, Recess, Soccer, Recess, Some Lectures. Did I mention Recess?

The security guard who yelled at us today for being KIDS thinks he's a bouncer.
We are 17 and we have a right to LIVE.
I was reminded of the havoc times in TKGS where you could come to class DRENCHED in COKE and not get scolded/get a you-naughty-girls-but-go-ahead smile because smart adults celebrated our youth.

I still L-O-V-E MJ and I ain't complainin' (k maybe with the exception of Bouncer Wannabe)

I feel like I am in the best phase of life. I really am living through my adolescent fantasy, despite the more complex circumstances. I wish time could stop and we could continue having the time of our lives. Sadly, all GREAT things have to come to an end. I dread that day when I leave school knowing that I won't have a reason to wake up at 5 a.m the next day and dress for school. I'd have no more excuse to behave like a fool and laugh my heart out at anything and everything, play in the rain, and embrace my teenage insecurities because everyone has them! Where else would I encounter a close-knit community of cool young boys and girls within a compound that shelters us from the REAL WORLD? But Guess what, IT'S JUST THE BEGINNING!

2009-03-19T14:56:00.000+08:00

Adam assures me I will be loved.
In darkness I am all he sees.
Says he won't go home without me.
Things get so crazy, living life gets hard to do.
Makes me wonder if he gives a (*profanity*) about me.

Get it? Maroon 5? Adam Levine?

I've laughed, I've cried, I've been up, I've been down, I've been crazy, I've been sane.
BUT WHERE are my "Friends"?
Unclear?
Where are my "FRIENDS"
Still unclear?
WHEN AM I GOING TO NIAGARA FALLS!?

CONFESSION:
In my entire life, I've never been studious. NEVER. Not even for O-Levels which was my biggest failure and disappointment.
I am so good at having fun, horrible at sitting down and actually getting my brain to function.
I don't know why people think I am the hard working kind. I'm NOT. I don't even pretend to be.
When I say I don't understand/didn't study I MEAN IT. I'm VERY capable of sabotaging myself.
I've got so much potential but I tend to WASTE IT.
IN FACT, that's exactly what I hate about myself. I am a lazy, disorganised, procrastinator!

I need CHANGE. FOR THE BETTER.

2009-03-15T17:52:00.000+08:00

I've come to notice a pattern: those I had once PLAYFULLY taunted end up becoming my friends. So Kapoor, Alyah, and Nadia, what say you we give it our all and passionately start mocking RModel/Bomb?

Top 4 people I have forged friendship/aquaintance with:
1) Her Twin
2) !CAVEMAN!
3) Hadi- who serenaded us with 3 songs.
4) Jai

SCHOOL!

How I wish I could stay 17 forever. Life Meridian Junior College is still so awesomely and youthfully, dynamic. Apart from embracing my youth, I must must must must must take studying seriously. I've dedicated a sizeable portion of my breaks to spending time mugging in the library. HARVARD HERE I COME!

PLAN
Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays
6.20-6.40 am: Run
6.50-7.10 am : Shower

Pros:
1) Shed some pounds
2) Get fit
3) Train for NAPFA

Cons:
1) People might think I don't have a home coz I shower in school
2) My hair would be wet
3) I'd have to carry extra clothes (BUT ITS OKAY COZ I HAVE A LOCKER! YAY!)

I think girls, in their foolish attempt to be foolish, have breached the Girl Code.
Girl Code #4783:
Girl A shall never reveal to Boy C that Girl B has a crush on him.
Naturally and/or based on Girl Code #4784:
Girl B shall react in a manner that portrays her apathy/disinterest in Boy C.

I wonder if there is a Boy Code. Perhaps Boy Code #4634 says:
When Girl B tells Girl A she doesn't like Boy C, his ego shall be bruised and he shall be all HOSTILE.

What I cannot have, I do not want.
Alyah's post on what one can and can never have, hits a particular button and evokes suppressed emotions. Even as a child, I never was the kind to compete for a right I was entitled to. The fact is, I am left scarred for life and I can never be fixed. Who knew that I am as much a well of tears as I am of laughter?

2009-02-27T19:44:00.000+08:00

WHEN WILL SCHOOL STOP ROCKING?!

Each day as I set foot onto the grounds of MJC, I am guaranteed a heavy dose of whacko laughter, all the youthful fun in the world and also an awesome company of friends.

A typical day in MJC...

0650: Arrive in school pretending to be all tired (so as to appear cool).
Meet my friends at a location near the assembly plaza.
TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK.
More friends start arriving.
LAUGH LAUGH LAUGH LAUGH.

0715: Look over to my right to witness a sacred moment
Make eye-contact with BehindBehind, while maintaining a straight face (attempting to portray beauty in a hostile nature, probably failing miserably)
Pull Sze Ern's skirt.
Walk to location of assembly while laughing at some jokes.

Throughout the day:
1) Laugh at Caveman.
2) Play the "who-catch-win" game that I created.
- Say who catch win to a random person and throw a shoe bag in the air
- If the person catches, you make a new friend
- Satisfaction Guaranteed.
(If the throwing shoe bags get boring, move on to the next level : throw humans)
3) LAUGH LAUGH LAUGH LAUGH LAUGH
4) Cross paths with BehindBehind and pretend not to look.
5) Cue-ing Matthew to say "BAIK" in a mat way in Math lectures at strategic junctures.

Then comes specifics...

TUESDAY
*PE*
1) Run, Run, Run
2) Sweat Sweat Sweat
3) Get to know people while running
4) Sometimes if something hilarious occurs, I gotta abstain from rolling on the track laughing.

*RECESS*
Nadia coincidentally picks the seat near the HotGang which consists of a group of buff J2s namely (in order of hotness):
1) Rock climbing Model
2) Bomb
3) Bottle
4) Nadia's kid-sister's friend's elder brother
5) Unknown Indian guy.

Friday
*FREE PERIOD at 8.45 am to 9.35 am*
1)Watch Caveman suffer the run for PE.
2)LAUGH HYSTERICALLY
3)Wonder why Caveman cannot run considering the fact that
a) He is as tall as a Giraffe
b) A Caveman who naturally needs to RUN away from the lions/tigers and RUN towards deers/sheep/goat for dinner.

HAHAHAHAHA! SERIOUSLY SCHOOL ROCKS. THIS IS ALL JUST TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE. BUT I'LL JUST ENJOY IT WHILE IT LASTS. I FEEL YOUNG AND FREEEEEEEEEEE.

Soccer on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays!

2009-02-19T19:22:00.000+08:00

Took a test and here are the results. I think it is so precise.

Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving

by Joe Butt

ENFPs are friendly folks. Most are really enjoyable people. Some of the most soft-hearted people are ENFPs.

ENFPs have what some call a "silly switch." They can be intellectual, serious, all business for a while, but whenever they get the chance, they flip that switch and become CAPTAIN WILDCHILD, the scourge of the swimming pool, ticklers par excellence. Sometimes they may even appear intoxicated when the "switch" is flipped.

One study has shown that ENFPs are significantly overrepresented in psychodrama (WRONG). Most have a natural propensity for role-playing and acting.

ENFPs like to tell funny stories (YES!!!!!!), especially about their friends. This penchant may be why many are attracted to journalism (OMG YES!). I kid one of my ENFP friends that if I want the sixth fleet to know something, I'll just tell him.

ENFPs are global learners. Close enough is satisfactory to the ENFP, which may unnerve more precise thinking types, especially with such things as piano practice ("three quarter notes or four ... what's the difference?") Amazingly, some ENFPs are adept at exacting disciplines such as mathematics (not this ENFP).

Friends are what life is about to ENFPs, moreso even than the other NFs. They hold up their end of the relationship, sometimes being victimized by less caring individuals. ENFPs are energized by being around people. Some have real difficulty being alone (nope) , especially on a regular basis.

One ENFP colleague, a social worker, had such tremendous interpersonal skills that she put her interviewers at ease during her own job interview. She had the ability to make strangers feel like old friends.

ENFPs sometimes can be blindsided by their secondary Feeling function. Hasty decisions based on deeply felt values may boil over with unpredictable results. More than one ENFP has abruptly quit a job in such a moment.

2009-02-13T22:06:00.000+08:00

Warning: This post will not sound intellectual, perhaps a little bit girly.

God has granted me all that I could ask for, this month.

1) I'm in MJ!! I wasn't thrilled at first, but now, I feel like there's nowhere else I belong.

2) I'm in the same class as NADIA! YAY!

3) I got the subject combination of my choice!

4) I'm in PHOBOS! The hippest, coolest, awesomest house EVER!

5) :) :)

Praise God!

I am extremely pleased. Hamdulillah.

Junior College is SO exciting! Friends, Friends, Music, People to laugh at, Friends, Lectures, People to laugh at. Initially it was weird and traumatising for me and my all-girls'-school friends to actually have boys within such close proximity at any time within the school campus. Unlike back in TKGS, now we've gotta mind the way we sit and speak.We're getting used to the fact. Boys are human too. Just less human.

Speaking of boys, to those who have been wondering, there is a sizeable community of good-looking boys in MJ, as commented by many. But good looks do not = Substance.

Literature lectures with Dr. S are so awesome and MATURE and feminine. Math is pretty funny 'coz the Razeef and Matthew keep insulting the teacher. School is just FUN. I don't want to miss out on all the fun, yet at the same time I gotta balance assignments and CCA.

I wish Rachel, Calvina, Vanessa and Heeqmah were around. We'd rule the world with our laughter, jokes, water fights , coke fights, ice fights and spit fights. I wish Tasneem and Mega were around. They'd tell everyone I fart in my sleep. YAY! Fame! HAHA.

I need to practice SMILING 'coz I need to SMILE on Monday. I will try altho I'm not a good SMILER!

I'M LOVING SCHOOL!

I just remembered a TKGS funny moment:

Mrs Chem Teacher : What happens when ( some chemistry experiment that I do not wish to relive coz I hate SCIENCE and whoever discovered it)?

Class: LIMEWATER TURNS MILKY.

Mrs Chem Teacher: Don't say MILKY! ONE MORE TIME AND I WILL MILK YOU DRY!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

2009-01-06T17:05:00.000+08:00

FALASTEEN

Violence beyond Imagination
Agression
Killing with Passion
Killing the Civillian
With Passion
Violation
Oppression
Enmity so Ancient
Invasion
Women and Children
Enduring the Burden
Of hate without Compassion
Patient
Awaiting Intervention

Ethnic Cleansing
History is Repeating
Bombing
Bombing without Warning
We're doing Nothing
Surviving
Dying
Screaming

Screaming but not Heard
Hurt
Voice as insignificant as Dirt

Dirt that you don't See
Not on Aljazeera, CNN or BBC
Reality
Attrocity
Will there be another Rachel Corrie?
Bulldozed to death by the Enemy
Israeli
Defending our people, She's Family

As we mourn the Dead
Mosques, Universities become Target
Of terrorists causing more Bloodshed
Mad
Sad
Scared

They Massacre
Father
Mother
Sister
Brother
Can you keep track the number?
Shed a Tear
For those living in constant Fear

This is no doubt Genocide
From God nowhere to Hide
Sleepless Night
Pride
Fight
Against the ignorance that funds Apartheid

By me, Nabilah
May Allah bless the opressed
May we lend a voice to those with no choice

2008-04-28T17:23:00.000+08:00

ISLAMOPHOBIA

PART ONE

Islamophobia is the product of ignorance and gullibility. Those who fear or hate Islam are not Islamic scholars and people who study religion, but rather victims of propaganda by men with political agendas. Islam is portrayed by the media at large as a cult that has to be overcome by the unity of humanity against it. Islam is often labelled as the religion that gives legitimacy to indiscriminate violence and the denigration of women. On the contrary, Islam condemns aggression and gender inequality.

TAKING AWAY ONE LIFE IS TAKING AWAY THE WHOLE OF HUMANITY

1) Men who terrorise others, at times taking their own life away, in the name of Islam, DO NOT represent the teachings of Islam. To start with, suicide itself is haraam (forbidden) in Islam. In a religion that debars one from taking away his own life, killing others is beyond acceptability. Therefore, do not judge Islam based on Moslems because not all Moslems rightfully practice Islam, but rather judge Islam by its teachings.

The film Fitna has compared Islam to communism and nazism and quoted verses from our holy Qur'an that draws a picture of violence. Thus, this gives a reason for haters to intensify their hate towards Islam. Naive people accept what they see and hear wholly; They fail to understand that these were taken out of context. Worst of all, they refuse to learn the truth from CREDIBLE sources.

The reason why such verses exist in the Qur'an is because the issue of war is being referred to. The fact that such an issue is being addressed is because Islam is a way of life and it is still relevant in today's context. To say that the world is peaceful and wars do not exist is being blatantly idealistic; To be this kind of idealist is to be conveniently ignorant.

Honestly, the world could use more intelligent people.

As a Moslem, my faith is not affected by how it is being slandered. I become more interested in refuting these defamation of Islam that deviates from the truth by learning more about it. Without imposing my beliefs on others, I hope that this spotlight on Islam will move people to learn the truth.

TO BE CONTINUED...

2008-04-10T03:48:00.000+08:00

3.30 am and I was about to drift to sleep after studying.

I felt it coming. I could feel my body slowly sinking the couch I was lying on. I felt a burning sensation as my ears press hard against the pillow.

I opened my eyes thinking it would stop.

No.

I was slowly beginning to shake. All of my violently vibrating. I could hear my teeth clattering. My eyes still open, my brain still functioning. But I couldnt move.

I decided to shut my eyes. I didnt want to see things and not be able to do anything about it.

I remember thinking: this is the end of me and reciting my shahada.

I bear witness that there is no God but Allah and Muhammad (peace be upon him) is His messenger.

I didn't even think of my O Levels. I really thought this time I was gonna die.

I knew my brother was in the room and if only I could scream.

Then it slowly ceased. SLOWLY.

IT took my 10 minutes to think over what just happened. Then my brother came out of his room.

"You will not believe what just happened to me," were my exact words.

Telling the story, I was in tears.

AND ALL THESE JUST HAPPENED 20 MINUTES AGO. Now I can't sleep anymore.

2008-03-29T15:40:00.000+08:00

2008-03-15T19:11:00.000+08:00

What does it mean when one(very cool person)who often appears in my dreams, says "I'm in Mexico right now with my dad. We'll settle it when I get back."?

QUESTION MARK.

2008-02-10T22:52:00.000+08:00

1. WHAT TIME DID YOU GET UP THIS MORNING? 6.16 am just to disable my alarm clock and go back to sleep.

2. DIAMONDS OR PEARLS? Diamonds. Pearls are for older women. Or women who want to look older.

3. WHAT WAS THE LAST FILM YOU SAW AT THE CINEMA? A midnight movie Om Shanti Om a little over 2 months ago. Did you know that bus services end before midnight?

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE TV SHOW? AMAZING RACE!! You'll see me in it when I turn 24. I enjoy watching Worlds Untold Stories on CNN and The Doha Debates on BBC.

5. WHAT DO YOU USUALLY HAVE FOR BREAKFAST? I dont normally have time for breakfast. I go straight into lunch which is, on a busy day, also dinner for me.

6. WHAT IS YOUR MIDDLE NAME? Knitting. Knitting is my middle name.

7. WHAT FOOD DO YOU DISLIKE? Food with Pork in it. Not that I have consumed Pork before. (breathes deeply and starts sweating profusely. Looks left, looks right). MY neighbour often cooks smelly nauseating meals that I assume contains pork. So there, I have never eaten pork. (Hyperventilates)

8. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE CD? Whats yours?

9. WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU DRIVE? If you see in my Lamborghini, don't forget to wave or I'd feel hurt.

10. FAVOURITE SANDWICH? Just give it to me and I'll eat it.

11. WHAT CHARACTERISTIC DO YOU DESPISE? PRETENTIOUSNESS. My brother says I'm pretentious but he hasn't met the epitome of that term whom I encounter every day except on weekends, school holidays and public holidays .

12. FAVOURITE ITEM OF CLOTHING? Hijab. It's really nice. I like the idea of wearing something that reflects your religious or political stand. Hijab is also a mere piece of fabric that screams NO to opression.

13. IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD ON VACATION, WHERE WOULD YOU GO? Anywhere?!!? Really? Ok I'd go to Greece and Morocco and Saudi on a pilgrimage. What matters more though, is with whom I go on a vacation.

14. WHAT COLOUR IS YOUR BATHROOM? The tiles on the wall are various shades of pink.

15. FAVOURITE BRAND OF CLOTHING? none.

16. WHERE WOULD YOU RETIRE TO? I thought about this and I have decided on a place where I'd be closer to God.

18. FAVOURITE SPORT TO WATCH? Swimming and Gymnastics.

19. FURTHEST PLACE YOU ARE SENDING THIS? I dont know.

20. WHO DO YOU LEAST EXPECT TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? Who cares.

21. PERSON YOU EXPECT TO SEND IT BACK FIRST? Stop asking me questions that are not meant to be answered.

22. FAVOURITE SAYING? Shake it don't break it

23. WHEN IS YOUR BIRTHDAY? 10th January

24. ARE YOU A MORNING OR NIGHT PERSON? I love EARLY mornings. Its the start of a new day. Plus, there are not many people early in the morning. It makes the world look like a better place.

25. WHAT IS YOUR SHOE SIZE? 7

26. PETS? I wish I had my own horse. But they're just too costly. Maybe sometime in the future inshallah.

27. ANY NEW AND EXCITING NEWS YOU WOULD LIKE TO SHARE WITH US? Nope not really.

28. WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE? My relatives still tease me for wanting to be a Princess. I really did.

29. HOW ARE YOU TODAY? Okay lah not bad. You? Eh thanks for asking ah.

30. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE CANDY? Something minty.

31. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE FLOWER? I didn't really think much of flowers until my friends gave me a Sunflower and a Carnation on my 16th birthday. They're really beautiful. I just hate their short life span in a vase.

32. WHAT IS A DAY ON THE CALENDAR YOU ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO? END OF O LEVELS, cousin's wedding, and O level results.

33. WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME? I thought you knew! I can't believe this! All this while we've been talking and NOW... now you ask me for my name! You know what. I'm outta here. And lose my number.

34. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Oh hi. you again. I'm listening to the sound of my typing.

35. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? nothing worth telling you.

36. DO YOU WISH ON STARS? No, thats just plain stupid. Stars don't make my wishes come true.

37. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOUR WOULD YOU BE? Gold.

38. HOW IS THE WEATHER RIGHT NOW? I'm in the house so I dont really know.

39. FAVOURITE SOFT DRINK? I only drink WATER.

40. FAVOURITE RESTAURANT? Its gotta be AL RAWSHA in KL. Great ambience, good food and clean toilet.

41. SIBLINGS? Inclusive of step-siblings, 2 elder brothers, 2 elder sisters and 1 younger sister.

42. FAVOURITE DAY OF THE YEAR? My birthday.

43. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVOURITE TOY AS A CHILD? Barbie. I remember being 8 and crying in the middle of a mall coz my dad thought I was too old for barbie. In the end, I got the doll. I'm sure if I met me 8 years ago, I'd burn myself alive.

44. WINTER OR SUMMER? Winter without dry skin and chapped lips

45. HUGS OR KISSES? What kind?

46. COFFEE OR TEA? Mint tea.

47. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? Shokulataaa!

48. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? I hate crying but I cry alot for many reasons.

49. WHAT IS UNDER YOUR BED? A monster.

50. WHO IS THE FRIEND YOU HAVE HAD THE LONGEST? Define the term friend...

51. WHAT DID YOU DO LAST NIGHT? I woke up and left for school ON A SATURDAY to fetch my GEOGRAPHY book that I LEFT in school despite having a TEST on the following MONDAY. Unfortunately (later proven to be somewhat fortunately), a friend called and told me the school was closed. Thank God I was only halfway through my 1 hour journey.

52. FAVOURITE SMELL? This Nivea deodorant I just bought. Its the one with the blue cap.

53. WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF? I'm afraid of cats and lizards.

54. SAVOURY OR SWEET? savoury

55. HOW MANY KEYS ON YOUR KEYRING? 2

56. HOW MANY YEARS AT YOUR CURRENT JOB? Minus vacations and Sundays ... approximately... none. I'm a student. I don't work.

57. FAVOURITE DAY OF THE WEEK? FRIDAYS

58. HOW MANY TOWNS HAVE YOU LIVED IN? 1

59. DO YOU MAKE FRIENDS EASILY? If I want to

60. HOW MANY PEOPLE WILL YOU SEND THIS TO? NO ONE!

2008-02-09T17:45:00.000+08:00

2008-01-12T15:39:00.000+08:00

Look Into My eyes

The Lead singer of OUTLANDISH is Isam Bachiri

2008-01-09T23:10:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow at 6 am I turn 16.

I want to achieve happiness, contentment and peace of mind. Dear Lord, give me burning energy, enthusiasm and determination to achieve desired grades for my Os. Ameen.

2007-12-23T21:50:00.000+08:00

15 GOING ON 50 ???

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am Nabilah and I am 15 years old.
Sadly, I am often insensitively and not to mention inaccurately taken to be older than I truly am.

How often does a teenage girl (holding a magazine with the unquestionably visible words "SEVENTEEN" printed largely on the coverpage) get mistaken for someones WIFE?

Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, be shocked but don't kill yourselves.

I am too young to be married. I am too young to have children!

How unfortunate and disturbing it is to hear the security guard say to one's niece to "hold on to your Mummy", referring to none other than YOURS TRULY.

I felt like throwing my shoes at that same hideous man who denied me access to the gym.

"I am not her Mummy," I said through my teeth in a "your-days-are-numbered" tone.

These events inevitably lead my to my 19 million dollar question: WHERE IS THE LOVE?

Oops, I mean: Is it the unibrow?

Ok seriously my question is really : Why? Why do these people blatantly refuse with such audacity I must add, to accept that I am not married, have no children and I AM 15!

Oh by the way, speaking of age... I will be 16 in less than a month! Weehee!

STOP RIGHT THERE.

All of you, who by now are whipping out your credit cards, planning to go on a Buy-Nab-A-Gift shopping spree, just stop. Ok and don't forget to breathe.

I just want to say: Put the card down. Back in the wallet. Put the card down. Yes... That's more like it. Now take a step back.

I don't really like the idea of a birthday gift anymore. I can't think of any material thing that I need which I don't already have. Unless you are thinking of getting me a Lamborgini. Now THAT would be a different story. If not, I'll just go get one myself. EVENTUALLY.

2007-12-14T12:02:00.000+08:00

I woke up to see X lying in the bed next to mine.

"What are you doing here? How'd you get in?" I asked, more curious than shocked.

"Your maid let me in" X said.

X had somehow become a good friend of mine.

So we TALKED.

"Would you like someone who thought you were SOOOOO amazing?"

LIKE ME, LIKE ME, I thought.

"Nahh.. I prefer someone who's like a close friend more than an admirer," X said, clueless.

"Oh.. would you like someone younger than you?"

LIKE ME, LIKE ME, YOU IDIOT, I thought again.

"Sure," X replied, ever so certain.

Suddenly I heard my Dad's voice.

He's back? I thought

And then I remembered X was a boy.

Having a boy in your room is just a big suicidal, NO NO.

"You gotta go, my Dad's back"

"Why?" X said before pouring mustard and spaghetti sauce on my hair.

So for a moment we had like a food fight.

Then it was REALLY time for X to go.

We walked through the hallway, my Dad saw us, but said nothing.

"Okay bye!"

"Bye, call me when you're bored!"

The End.

And THAT my friends, was DREAM # 7

DREAM # 8 followed.

It was somekind poetry competition that X won. I can't remember much besides being impressed by the poem.

I KEEP HAVING DREAMS ABOUT THE SAME PERSON

2007-12-09T11:41:00.000+08:00

30 secrets about yourself.
Be honest no matter what.

[One] Who was your last text from?- Rachel Ho, who invited me to Felicia's Christmas Party. I will not attend a Christmas party because I'm a Muslim who does not celebrate Christmas. Thanks for the invitation tho.

[Two] Where was your default picturetaken?- It's not of me. It's a photo of my best friend and cousin, sayyid hamza altahir, when I wrapped my hijab on his head at his house.

[Three] What's your FULL name?- Sharifah Nabilah Syed Omar Syed Agil Syed Ali Syed Agil Shahab (hahahahaha, I think that's it)

[Four] Your current status?- What kinda status? Financially I'm quite broke.

[Five] What is your current mood?- rather happy

[ Six] How old are you?- 15, I will turn 16 on TENTH OF JANUARY (hint hint)

[Seven] If you could go back in time and change something, would you?- definitely. I would change my carefree ways in the past. I would also have attended my French class.

[Eight] What's your favorite color/s?- Gold, Red, Purple

[Nine] Ever had a near death experience?- On many occasions. There was once a metal part of a large GIGANTIC trampolene flew towards me, during PE. Oh yes and the time I spoke, face to face, to someone. I almost dropped dead, if not for the fact that I would've made a total fool of myself.

[Ten] Something you do a lot?- TALK!

[Eleven] Who can you tell ANYTHING to?- nobody, really.

[Twelve] Name someone with the same birthday as you.- GEE... I dunno who else is born on the
TENTH OF JANUARY

[Thirteen ] If you could have onesuper power what would it be?- I would have the power to determine people's reactions. That way, no matter how lame my jokes are, I can still make them laugh.

[Fourteen] What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?- Their self-esteem or lack thereof.

[Fifteen] Favorite season?- spring, autumn, winter. Anything but summer.

[Sixteen] Do you still watch kiddy movies or tv shows?- Yes. I am still a kid. But I have to pretend to be all mature sometimes, so that adults listen to and respect me.

[Seventeen ] What are you eating or drinking at the moment?- nothing.

[Eighteen] What language do you speak most comfortably?- English

[Nineteen] Describe your life in one word.- unaccomplished

[Twenty] Do you have any tattoos?- nope. I don't like the idea of scarring myself for life. It is something irreversible, and unnecessary.

[Twenty-one] Who was the last person you hung out with?- HAHAHA. Just yesterday, my cousins and I were being tourguides to our foreign guests.

[Twenty-two] What are you thinking about right now?- Still thinking of the powerful words of Amir Sulaiman. "Having love is more important than having a lover"

[Twenty-three] What should you be doing?- STUDYING so that my life plan goes smoothly.

[Twenty-four] Who was the last person that made you upset?- Ija for waking me up for fajr prayers in a rather annoying manner. But thank you.

[Twenty- five] What are you listening to?- A woman talking abt bears and seals on the animal planet.

Twenty-six] Do you like working in the yard?- I don't like working.

[Twenty-seven] Who is with you?- My cousin Khadija or better known as Ija. I call her DJ sometimes. Shes watching a show abt bears and seals on the animal planet, going "ahhh, how cuteee"

[Twenty-eight] Do you act different around the person you like?- yes, I remember thinking whether I should laugh when this person made a joke that was not funny.

[Twenty- nine] What is your natural hair color?- jet black forever. But I think I'm going bald soon so its sad.

[Thirty] Last time you were really happy?- After prank calling

2007-12-07T23:06:00.000+08:00

"Even the beauty of birth leaves its own scars"
"Having love is even more important than having a lover"

As I listen to the powerful words of brother Amir Sulaiman, I am inspired. When he speaks, one can do nothing else but listen. THINK. analyse. Listen to him on youtube.com and tell me you are not impressed.

"Having love is even more important than having a lover." Wow.

Today I woke up early and left for the Metta Home for the disabled. It was a very humbling experience that I will never forget.

I always think that everyone is as blessed as I am. To have a well-functioning brain and body, a family, a life. Today I was proven wrong.

Today I learnt that everyone has a story to tell. Even those whom we neglect and ignore just because they are not like us. We choose to listen and grow wiser, or be deaf and ignorant.

Ya Allah, I don't want to be ignorant.

I may be late, but today I learnt something about Akon.
There was widespread controversy regarding Akons simulated sex with a 15 year old on stage in a nightclub. The girl who is ironically a pastor's daughter was obviously not supposed to be at the nightclub as she was underaged.

My opinion:

It all goes back to the issue of morals. The problem is that society seems not to condemn his act but rather the consequence or implication of what he did.

Would it be perfectly fine that he was committing such an indecent and immoral act, which is further worsened by the fact that he is married?

Why is it a grievance offence against morality then that it involves a 15 year old girl, whom he perceived to be much older?

Thats like punishing a thief for stealing a candy rather than punishing him for the ACT OF STEALING.

"You can put the blame on me?" (as his song goes)

It depends on what the issue is.

If the issue is about committing the act, then Akon is at fault.
If the issue is about committing the act WITH the 15 year old, then BOTH of them are at fault.
She had a choice and she chose to have fun.

So yes Akon, the blame IS on you, both ways.

So everyone, if you make a mistake, just write a song and everything will be A-OKAY. The song should portray how you take responsibility for something that is not your fault but it actually is really your fault.

2007-11-17T19:01:00.000+08:00

HEAR ME OUT (please)

Days as dull as nights;
At the end of the tunnel there is no light.
When will our future be bright?
Who will stop the fight?

What is the price to pay,
For peace today?
May tomorrow be a brighter day;
Let us all pray

An original poem by yours truly

In a war, no one wins. People die. Innocent children stripped of their right to live. Scarred for life. Imagine seeing our fathers, the heroes, invincible, being brutally shot and left to die, resembling a cockroach that has just been sprayed with insecticide. Imagine the emotional/psychological trauma of witnessing that.

What do we care? We hate. We indulge in petty squabbles with our friends. For some people, life is way too short for hatred. They may not even see their friends alive the next day. Heck, they don’t even know if they will live to see the sunrise. That’s how unpredictable life is for them. We have food in our disposal. LITERALLY. We waste food each time we have ordered/cooked too much. We simply throw food away without a moment’s hesitation. We fail to remember that there are children, even adults who would readily feast upon our leftovers like a delicacy.

Reading a book about war entitled From Beirut To Jerusalem written on a first hand account by a Singaporean doctor Swee Chai Ang, who volunteered in 1980s in Lebanon during the war. I could not help but shed inevitable tears.

The book surfaced how the world is tarnished with acts of atrocity. Some of which we hear of in the news, others concealed from the rest of the carefree, urban, cosmopolitan world of fun, entertainment, etcetera, etcetera. Clubbing? Partying? While peoples’ identities fade, never to be heard of again, a result of hatred leading to ethnic cleansing (which I believe is the motive in some wars).

Makes me feel guilty for all the good food, luxury, comfortable bed, a roof above my head and most of all a family, while some people are just glad to be alive.

I had my eyes glued on the TV screen during the war in Lebanon in summer 2006. Eagerly switching from CNN to BBC and reverting back to CNN, occasionally crying and honestly hurting in the chest. Some of the younger children were still playing, oblivious to their parents’ fear. It was heartbreaking. I remember, there was a Lebanese man, who had safely escaped to Syria but he said he wanted to go back to Lebanon (which was in the middle of a war) for his wife and children. He seemed to have brushed aside the fact that his life would be in jeopardy.

Being a strong believer in pacifism, I condemn acts of aggression especially against the helpless and innocent. Violence/war should be the LASTEST, if not an option and even then there would be rules to protect the civilians. Despite this statement, I hold strongly that fighting for peace does not apply in the literal sense. It is an irony.

Many fights are often a result of racism and also a clash of ideologies/beliefs. For example the Sinhalese against Tamils in Sri Lanka, Catholics against Protestants in Northern Ireland.

"O Mankind, we created you from a single pair of a male and a female, and made you in to tribes and nations so that you may know each other (not that you despise each other). Verily, the most honoured of you in the sight of Allah is he who is most righteous of you." (Al-Quran, Chapter 49, Verse 13)

Islam forbids racism therefore it is haraam (forbidden) to hold the color of one’s skin against oneself. One does not choose one’s ethnicity. God decides. therefore by hating someone for his race, you are denigrating God’s creation.

Not to digress further, let us go back to the main issue of war. My question for all you readers is: Who will speak for the oppressed? Who will defend the helpless?

Most of us are so apathetic. Silence is consent, as they say. But honestly, what can we do? Now that is not a rhetorical question but rather a literal one. For now, I can only offer my prayers to the oppressed.

2007-11-07T18:26:00.000+08:00

Highlight of the year
7th November 2007
16: 59 - 16:59 and 38 seconds

For YOU, the blind.

..........................................

If really, y = mx + c

Then happiness = you + me

Don't you agree?

Why can't you see?

.....................................................

Why are you so vastly superior to the rest of your species? Why are you so polite? Why are you so funny? Why are you so smart? Why are you so cool?

Actually sometimes I wish I was you. Thats a secret. Hush! I want to keep it that way.

You know, I just realised that there is a HUGE possibility that you read my blog. Even if you do, you would never know its you I'm talking about. This is largely due to the fact that I'm a pro at concealing some things. Smart ahhhhh. Thanks.

Okay, You.

I had 3 dreams about you within one month. 3 DREAMS IN ONE MONTH. Stop appearing in my dreams and start living. MOVE ON. Well, OKAY! If you absolutely have to, please don't be so mysterious and PLEASE PLEASE speak a little louder (and do not, I repeat, do not, MUMBLE, its rather annoying).

Can I ask you one thing? Okayyyy haha, I know that itself is one question. I don't care coz I know I won't get any answers.

1) What was it you were mumbling in dream #1?

2) Why did you not laugh when I said, "Eh, ********, you've got low self-esteem ah?", in response to your mumbling? You know it was a joke. (dream #1)

3) BTW Mama said you have good posture, in dream #2.

4) My brother said you play soccer like a pro, in dream #2

5) Why did you borrow my phone twice in dream #3?

6) Who were you calling?

I know number 3 and 4 arent questions.

I must sound like a stalker now. Give me a minute while I paste some of your pictures all over my room. HAHA! Just kidding... (well actually...)

I'm hoping to get straight As for my O-levels. If you can do it so can I. (Enshallah)

See you soon... Well maybe not.

2007-11-02T14:13:00.000+08:00

A CONCERT? What's that? Can we eat it?

Unlike many other teenagers, I, Nabilah, am not a concert-goer. Don't get me wrong, the live band and loud music, like in arab weddings, are perfectly fine by me. It is the idea of being among a crowd of sweaty and smelly people, not to mention, MEN, just makes me cringe in disgust. Besides, I'm sure Queen Rania would not approve. (HAHA!)

I don't know what got into Kapoor when she asked me to accompany her to the recent Black Eyed Peas concert. I'm not a huge fan of the BEP, anyway. So, yes, I politely declined, pointing out that I am not "concert-going material". Kapoor ended up going with Tasneem and I'm glad they had a blast accompanied with withdrawal syndrome. Kapoor went crazy over the Click 5 (whom, as I understand, performed at the BEP concert).

The next I heard, two silly girls (I shall not mention names), namely, Kapoor and Rachel, skipped the first half of school, to send 5 boys off at the airport. Yes they ponned (local slang that means skipping school, derived from the word ponteng in the Malay language) school to see the Click 5 (there ARE 5 of them right?) at the airport. And this time they were smart enough not to ask me along, coz they did get into trouble. (HAHA!)

Well, in retrospect, what they did is typical of teenage girls, and is, in my opinion, pretty darn HILARIOUS. I wouldn't mind doing such a thing, minus the getting-into-trouble part of the package, if it was for OUTLANDISH. This is despite the fact that Isam Bachiri, the morrocan lead singer, is very hot and very MARRIED (according to rumours and a ring on his finger, but you can choose to live in the sweet depths of denial. Its a free country).

Top Ten Songs That ... dot dot dot

1) She Will Be Loved by Maroon 5
2) Aicha by Outlandish
3) Sunday Morning by Maroon 5
4) Homma Malhom Bina Ya Leyl by Haitham Saeid
5) Samson by Regina Spektor
6) Fidelity by Regina Spektor
7) Kiss me by Sixpence None The Richer
8) Hey there Delilah by Plain White T's
9) Hey there Khalilah by GoRemy [ just for laughs]

10) Hey there Nabilah

2007-10-03T20:12:00.000+08:00

ISLAM
My confessions

A moslem greets another with, "salam alaikoum". Peace be upon you.
I'm used to greeting people with, "hey", "hi", "hello", " wassup".

A moslem prays five times a day.
I only used to pray fajr and maghreb (at dawn and dusk).

A moslem says a prayer prior to each meal.
I always forget.

A moslem woman dresses modestly and wears hijab, to cover her hair.
I wear the hijab and reveal my hair at the same time.

A moslem is modest- in speech, actions and clothing
I tend to feel superior to other people sometimes.

As hard as it is to admit, without even realising it, I was "making a mockery out of my own religion", my Father's exact words. Really, what kind of a moslem am I? I preached but I never practiced. I claimed to have faith, but I never explored it. I always thought, "Being a non-practicing moslem is no different from being a meat-eating vegan."

I need and want to be a good moslem. It is hard, honestly, just to be un-worldly, in this worldly world where less is more in terms of clothing, promiscuity is a well-acknowledged (accepted in some parts of the world) norm, and alcohol is a worldly escape from the world's littlest worldly problems. Of course, I don't dress skimpily, am not promiscuous and don't drown my sorrows in alcohol. Haraam. Sinful. Nontheless, it is not easy to be a hundred and eighty degrees contrary to the rest of the world.

I have, however, accepted that in this day and age, do not discriminate so as not to be discriminated against. I do have friends, who are confused of their sexuality, don't believe in God, dress offensively and such. I let them be. It is, after all, their lives. But are they really my friends? Actually, I am to be the subject of the question. Am I really a friend if I allow them to live by the path that my religion and morals forbid? I'm either being apathetic or cowardly. I can't choose between the two.

HELP ME!

I need to be a good person. I need Islamic knowledge that I am heavily lacking in. I need to uphold my beliefs. I need to get rid of the hatred.

2007-10-03T19:42:00.000+08:00

OH MY! Blogger works!

Hello everyone my exams are over. YAY! Small issues I want to talk about.

1) I've been wondering whether I should start a vlong. a video blog. I'd love to, you know, talk and talk and talk about stuff in front of a camera. I dont know if my old video camera still works, havent used it in years. Maybe I need a new one. What do you guys think?

2) I've come to realise how ppl always apologise profusely while talking to me. For instance...

Kapoor: Hey, you've got bio-chem exam tmr!
Me: Yea.
Kapoor: sorry sorry sorry!

I'm just wondering, why?
Maybe its because I tend to get very vigorously energetic/ overly intense when I disagree with something someone says. But when it is a fact, I cannot challenge it. I can debate an opinion but never a black-and-white fact.

Or maybe, I appear overly-sensitive that people have to watch everything they say to me. Come on! I don't want to be that.
.................................................................................................................................................................

2007-09-01T19:58:00.000+08:00

After some requests and THREATS, I am here again, on my cousin's laptop coz my siblings selfishly refuse to touch theirs. So here goes...

Why I had a rotten week...

1) I discovered that I lost 2 centimeters. Not horizontally but VERTICALLY. And I can't afford that.

2) Another discovery: The LMF is too good to be true. When girls drool over him, I dont know what to say. I want to say he's gay, but that's rude. I want to tell them he's ugly, but they've got eyes. I want to tell them he's dumb, BUT HE'S A GENIUS. What's a girl to do... How can one be that amazing and complete? Mashallah

3) My loveliest teacher is sick. She claimed that her time has come. What hurts the most is how she holds back her inevitable tears and pretends to be fine with it. We hug her and we cry, but I dont think that will change anything. Now, each time I see her I turn the other way. I guess I'm kinda afraid of that comfrontation, me being the wuss that I am. I regret that fact.

Too much to handle in a week. Hope I have a better week ahead. I'll try to blog more often. SORRY HEEQMAH. Bump, literally, into LMF more often and as I said, have a cam ready.

2007-07-21T20:14:00.000+08:00

I'm back! Just FYI, three weeks ago I was having a rocking time in Brunei Darussalam. Too good to blog abt. I'll just share some pics later.

So, we all know how rude people can get right?

1) So here I was, at 9 pm, walking at Bugis Junction with my kid cousin when a Filipino woman makes her way towards me.

FW: Ma'am, have you been to California Fitness before?
QN (queen nab): NO. (in that "why would i?" tone)
FW: Would you like to try?

At this point, you can imagine a knife in my hand which is in mid-motion, attacking this woman. Freeze-frame. What a way to insult someone...

2) Waiting for Gaia, when a man emerges out of nowhere and makes weird hand gestures at me.
I walk towards him.

man: hi, are you singaporean?
I nod.
man: can u speak english (insult #1)
Qn: YES! (in that "excuse me, i speak way better than you" tone)
man: Do you want to lose some weight? (insult #2)
Qn: what?
man: I've got some pills. Do you want to lose weight.
Qn: Yes, but not in THAT way. (in that "you are disgusting, you drug trafficker" tone)
man: eh! this is not illegal you know! (defensively) This is jamu. I used to be 80 kg, now I'm 75 only (ooh I can't even tell). DO YOU WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT OR NOT!?

At this moment, you can imagine me throwing my shoes at him. What's the matter with him?

3) So I screwed up my English oral exam. It was about ambition, and I had tons to say, but the teacher ruined it all. So this teacher is skin and bones. I bet her waist is 18 cm. She hates fat people, NO DOUBT.

Bones: So, what career would you like to pursue.
Qn: I would like to be a writer because i love writing. There is a saying that goes: speak softly and the world listens. I believe that sometimes you dont even have to speak for the world to listen. You can be heard through expressing yourself in writing... BLAH BLAH BLAH

As I speak, she is scrutinising me. She's not looking into my eyes. She stares at my forehead, my lips, my nose, my cheeks, my arms, my chin. I bet shes thinking "EW unibrow!"

So I got distracted and started saying stupid things. There goes my English grade. Boo..

2007-06-15T18:06:00.000+08:00

As she is speking of her sins and death, I am checking my mail. Reading this Islamic mail that tells the signs of death. I'm in denial but the signs almost fit.

She's telling me to read te Quran more often. She requests an Al- Fatihah from me when she dies. I'm crying quietly at the corner of the room writing this with the laptop on my thighs. I hope she doesnt see. I know that if this sadness was acknowledged, I'd be wailing my heart out. If Ija was not at work right now, we'd be crying together.

Ya Allah pls don't take my grandmother too soon.

I remember the other time when I was asleep and my brother sprinkled water on me. My grandmother scolded him.

I remember when I let my sister's netball roll onto the road and it got hit by a huge truck. She was hitting me outside my grandmothers house. I rang the doorbell so many times and my grandmother came running to my rescue. One more minute and I'm sure I'd be disfigured, if not dead. She even paid for the ball.

When I was a kid and my parents were on pilgrimage (which was all the time) I'd stay with my grandmother. It didn't matter so much that my parents were away as long as she was with me. It's so comforting, you know?

She always made excuses for me when I wet the bed. She used to say it was not my fault.

I want her to live to see me succeed, unlike most of her children. I want to make her proud and not give her problems, the way some of her useless children do.

She's always worrying about her children. Sometimes I hate her children for making her upset. Can't they be less pathetic?

Ya Allah, forgive her for her sins and put her in heaven ya Allah. Amin.

2007-04-20T17:55:00.000+08:00

Social Outcast.

A social outcast is one with no true friends. She often tags along with others, pretending to be one of them. She's the joke of the century yet she does not realise it. She is often annoying.

Are YOU a social outcast?

If you are, go find yourself a life. NO, I'm not saying this to be rude or condescending, but really, search for your true friend, and stick with her. Thats the way.

In every person, there are things to hate and to like about. A friend chooses to accept another's flaws and cherish her unique qualities. So even you, a social outcast, can have friends. Why do you want to hang around people who do not want to accept your flaws? I'm not saying that you should start hating them... but they should not be your friends because not accepting your flaws is their choice. You cannot hold that against them. That would make you a loser.

I know it sucks to think that someone is your best friend, but she thinks of you as nothing more than an acquaintance. But thats nothing to cry or be mad about. Once again, don't be a loser.

Social Outcasts like you often start to hate yourself. In terms of appearance as well as personality. Since you do not have the means to beautify yourself, you choose to go for a personality makeover... WITH SOMEONE ELSE'S MAKEUP!

You pretend to be someone else, maybe someone you look up to. You copy everything she says, you aspire to be what she aspires to be, you make her joke and many more.

I, as a person of authenticity, cannot put up with such insulting behaviour. Especially when you take my joke and make it your own. HELLO! My jokes may not be very funny but they mean alot to me!

Okay that got abit to personal... (change to psychotherapist mode)

You should love yourself for who you are inside, although you may not like the way you look. If you have nothing to love about yourself (you're irritating, smelly, lazy), then find something! Most often, the things you hate are brought upon yourself by YOU(such as being lazy and smelly).

If you cannot love and accept yourself for who you are, no one else will. So stop mutilating yourself and start living.

2007-04-05T22:35:00.000+08:00

Inspired by Kapoor and my heartache, being away from Heeqmah, I present to you...

TOP 15 DREAM SCHOOLMATES.
(in random order)

1) Nuraishah Kapoor

2) Heeqmah Wahianuar

3) Vanessa Choo

4) Calvina Teo

5) Rachel Ho

6) Helena Liande

7) Nadia Lamri

8) HRH Prince Hamdan bin Rasheed Almaktoum

9) The hot guy who boards the bus as I alight who is sometimes late so he runs for the bus while I take my time to get off so he can get on the bus.

10) Lelakeykoo bones*

11) Lelakeykoo bald (for heeqmahs sake)

12) Felicia Goh

13) Paki ( to prank)

14) Brenda (to laugh at)

15) The girl who was rude to Kapoor (so we can all throw her out the hallway, three floors down)

TOP 5 DREAM TEACHERS
(in random order)

1) DR KK Seet (OMG!) - English Lit

2) Taufik Batisah (I once had a dream much like this one) - Bahasa Melayu (Enshallah saya faham semua peribahasa)

3) Queen Raania of Jordan - History (I'll ask of her history with various skincare and haircare products as well as her opinion of honey as a whitening agent)

4) Faizal ( guy from GAP) - Chemistry (at least I will stay awake and memorize the periodic table so I can be the student of the century)

5) Michael Scoffield (in character) - Mathematics (X equals to negative B, plus minus square root, B squared minus 4 A C, all over 2 A!)

2007-03-18T21:03:00.000+08:00

The She whom I Loathe

Liberated from previous insecurities, she walks with her nose in the air
Her hair no longer tangled and troublesomely greasy;
Her skin no longer a deep dull shade of brown.

“I’m sorry!” is all she cries. All lies.

Liberated from previous insecurities, she stands almost bare.
Her (enhanced) chest is now apparent;
Her eyes now grey.

“****!” She degrades herself upon every word. I heard.

Liberated from previous insecurities, she flips her hair.
Her name, I no longer know;
Her brain never developed, for sure.

Truly from the bottom of my heart. Read it and laugh.

2007-02-18T16:36:00.000+08:00

The Ambush Singover

My friends and I have formed a club called The Ambush Singover. During recess, we link arms and ambush random people to serenade them. We form a circle around our strange victims and start singing our hearts out.

Here's the best part. We have specific songs for different types of people.

Song /Category
1) Barbie Girl - Sporty Tomboys and Manly Girls
2) True Colors - Low self-esteemed geeks

Expect more songs for more people soon! We are open to suggestions so please leave them at my tagboard!

2007-01-05T18:38:00.000+08:00

Happy 2007!

Evidently, I haven't been in touch with the cyber world lately. I've been busy with Math, my friend. This is the hardest I've worked for school, ever. I used to think, that I did not need Tanjong Katong Girls School. I used to think that TKGS needed me. Partially true... TKGS will need me when I prove myself worthy of its respect.

So, it'll be 2 dauntingly tedious years of war. I'll be fighting all the way. I have to. So I'll be gone. You won't see much of me. Everything else has got to be put on hold. You want to go to Orchard/Arab St/Little India/ KL with me? Wait 2 years. You want to marry me, wait 2 years. You want to buy me a palace, a lamborghini, pay for a gastric by-pass, and crack me up - Tomorrow! Just kidding. That has to wait 2 years as well. But call me.

My social life... Ok scratch that. What life? I'm well on my way to be the quintessential geek (or am I already there?)... so I most probably won't blossom into the beautiful young woman anytime soon, like most girls at my age.

Speakin' of age. My birthday is coming soon. I hope that does not have to be put on hold. I'm getting older and before you know it, I'll be walking with a cane while whimpering irritatingly (My intuition tells me I'll be spraining/fracturing my ankle AGAIN
(x 2) this year somewhere during Summer).

As much as possible, I'll try to blog amidst the pain I am feeling. When I say that, everyone should know that its on unlikely occasion that I be extremely free.

Alright Quick Updates

1) I bought a Goldfish and named it Garnier (Gar- ni- air) after my facial scrub. It died approximately 20 hours after landing in my custody. Yeah yeah, I know Kapoor is "sorry for my lost". I yelled for my brother to help me flush it down the Goldfish heaven (a.k.a the toilet). He heroically did it, but later GAYly bugged me about the "Revenge of the Goldfish".

2) Lately, I've been nocturnal. Hence, Shan Wee, has been a great friend. (Shan Wee, 11pm-2am, 987 fm). I'm so tempted to call. Somebody hide my phone!

3) After hanging around a group of Doctors, I am inspired to be one. But get this: I want to be a Doctor only to be UNLIKE them. They look like ultimate geeks who can't distinguish between 1 and 2.
Mama says in a secretive whisper-with-an-agenda: "If you work a bit harder, you can be a successful Doctor. You look brighter than them. But look only lah. " Can you believe Mama? Sabotaging her own plan to brainwash me into the Medical field.

3) I miss Heeqmah. Really. I miss laughing with her. She gets my jokes. Hows school? More importantly hows a particular schoolmate of yours? I expect a full report, complete with pictures, animation, video and sculpture. Thanks!
......................................................................................................................................................................
With that I end my entry. I'm gonna miss my past, but I certainly don't want to miss my chance of a successful future that starts with the present which is: S-C-H-O-O-L. I'm turning against my own beliefs, I know. This is all in the name of Compromise. Boo-Hoo.

If you need me, you know where to find me. Give me a call.

2006-12-07T19:16:00.000+08:00

"I NEVER lie"

Or so I claim.

I'm a bad liar, but I still lie. Each time, my cousins and I are asked, "Where are you guys from?" I'd lie. Pahang, Penang, New York, Kelantan, Mongolia, Africa, India and so many more.

2006-11-29T12:56:00.000+08:00

How ironic is it that something I truly hate, has be a part of my life? I cannot survive with it, yet I'm told I cannot survive without it.

I HATE MATHEMATICS!

If I were to be judged based on my Math skills, one would think I'm the dumbest person alive. I have none! Math bores me to death. Its nothing like Literature or Politics or History which are

a) broad in scope
b) involving another life
c) intriguing
d) ever changing
e) graspable
f) pugnacious in nature

Math is just plain BORING. I'm not passionate about it at all. When I do Math, I feel like the room suddenly becomes dark and hot, I feel claustrophobic, my brain goes delirious, and I am tempted to scream. I just hate the Right/Wrong answers. Why can't there be inbetweens? Why cant it be subjected to opinions?

Now, Mama has hired a rigid authoritarian (not to mention, ridiculously expensive) Math tutor who does not tolerate tardiness. She warns that she gives 2hours of Math to do each time. She's not lovely and friendly like my previous tutors, Ruby and Salwa with whom I can be comfortable with.

I cannot understand why people cannot accept that I'm handicap at Math and I'm excellent at other things.

Alas! My lazy spoilt-brat days are over. I'm forced upon heavy manual labour! Ok, SO the drama... Fine, put it this way, then: I'm driven towards inevitable success.

I define success by how close I progress towards my aim, which is acing Math at a reasonable 65% score. Let this be a test which only time will prove. Inshallah.

I CAN DO IT! "But first, whats $242 + $20, Nabilah?"(Inside Joke)

2006-11-20T01:25:00.000+08:00

Pre-Menstrual-Tension
(something most men will never understand)

It strikes the nicest person without warning. It turns the most beautiful girl into a beast. You guessed it, PMT.

PMT is the worst feeling. It comes from within. One moment you feel so extremely gorgeous and the next you feel like an ogre. Someone jokes about you having unibrows and you really feel rotten. One moment you feel love, the next you feel hate. Often women fall into a state of depression. I promise you I know how that feels. It's as if everything is so wrong, but you can't seem to pin point it. You just feel like crying over the slightest things around you.

I'm often a victim of PMT. I am surrounded by girls of various natures - From sweet to scary, from kind to evil. I'm often unconsciously attacked by females due to PMT. People often think that it's perfectly fine to vent their frustrations on me because I am unlikely to attack them with a gun (unlike my sister), even if I were angry it would only last for one minute. So for me, it's PMT after PMT after PMT. In school, at home, everywhere.

However, people forget that I, too, am a woman. I have my own PMT to handle. So one unfortunate day, it striked. I swear it was just the wrong time. Someone I love very much irritated me with her irritableness, and I just snapped. Most of the time I get irritated by people who get irritated by me. So she just hit that button, you see. After which, tears filled my eyes. Tears of regret and shame, yes.

PMT is very frustrating because it's hard to make sense out of. Hence, it helps to have a human punching bag thru whom your anger can be tamed. I can imagine an old lady saying : You think PMT is depressing? Wait till menopause.

Ok I was trying to be funny, so laugh.

2006-11-19T13:30:00.000+08:00

People Change

Within a moment, your morale-booster turns into your biggest enemy, your listening ear shuts down on you, your support system tells you 'NO, NO, NO'.

Why?Simple as ABC. People Change.

Don't pin hopes on people.
Don't trust people.
Don't open up to people.
Don't be assured by people.

PEOPLE CHANGE.

Most of all, Don't LOVE people because people don't LOVE you.

People leave you to hang with the cooler crowd. People leave you because you are no longer IN.
Cry all you want, People don't care. Boo-hoo.